“Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another.”

Closure really hits the spot on an empty stomach.

2010-04-20T01:01:00.001-07:00

Everything happens for a reason. Realizing exactly what that reason is, is so liberating, exciting, scary, wonderful. Good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Oh my, to the silly rantings of a broken heart. I'm finally grateful for the experience of falling to pieces because I've slowly rebuilt myself beautiful new perspectives. Fragments of glass, like fragments of a broken hearts, become prisms. Bending light and reflecting the future. Showing beauty in dark places and harmonizing with sorrow. Bringing hope, and it's never the same kind you wanted before. It's real and promising. So as much as I'd like to erase so many of these posts that were once soaked in tears and confusion I won't. Because even though they seem absolutely ridiculous now, I know they didn't feel ridiculous then. More importantly, they brought me to now. "Your eyes must do some raining if they're ever going to grow." I'm not done growing, and I'm sure there will be storms in the future, but I'm keeping this moment. Here's to my freedom and never settling.

2010-02-26T15:25:00.000-08:00

wake up.

get up.

you've heard these words before and they usually come from yourself before they come from other people. There are always days like this. Breathe. Days like this that come and pass. Days this that knock the wind out of you and while you're not breathing you loose hope and motivation. Things begin to feel like they're slipping away. You feel too far to catch up. Too behind to be seen. Too small to be heard. You know this place. You've been here before. So stand taller, work harder, speak louder. There will be days like this and they always bring tomorrow. Breathe.

365 Days

2010-02-17T22:29:00.000-08:00

mscamcaho.tumblr.com

It was just easier to start a new blog for this project. I'm sorry blogger. You will not be forgotten. I promise to write often or at least to copy and past from my newest project. To anyone who may read this, thank you. Even if no one does, it's nice to pretend. Have a beautiful day.

Best,

Meghan

Decision

2010-01-10T21:45:00.000-08:00

I'm giving us a chance. I'm walking away. I can't stay here any longer. This place is full of lingering pain, growing doubt, and dwindling hope. The facts are simple and clear. I've just been manipulating them in my head. The fantasy land I've been living in has been nice, but only when I close my eyes. Which I guess makes me blind. The moments in your arms are warm in passing but they leave behind threats of further hurt and regret. I refuse to be the silly pathetic little girl that lets herself settle. I'm better than this. I'm better than "wait" and I'm better than "I don't know." Its not my responsibility to convince you to love me. Its not my position to stay here hoping you won't walk away. I took a chance letting you in. I'm taking an even bigger chance letting you go. I want to get back to us, but that can't happen until you figure out you. You care, but not enough. You're scared and hiding. Part of me still believes you, and I hope we will continue to prove them wrong, but for now its time for me to air out my wounds and test the seas. I'm letting you go. Don't cling to me as a memory from the past, because I want to be a part of your future. One day I will be your friend. I don't know if it will be anything more. Fight for me and we will see. Until then I will miss you, but I hope to miss you less. I hope you don't forget me. I hope you're right. This is a chance I'm willing to take, because no matter what happens next, we have to move forward.

You have so much a head of you. So much to find out about yourself, so much to achieve. I can't and won't let your journey hold me back. I will not cry because it's over. I will smile because it happened. If our paths cross again I will smile and remember all that you taught. How we grew in love and learned in life, about each other and about ourselves. I will never regret the time I had with you and if fate allows one day we may have a second chance. If not know that you held a special place in my heart and I am fortunate to have had you in my life.

With Hope.

Walk On

2009-12-24T23:20:00.000-08:00

They say that you can't be whole until you find your 'other half.' I don't believe them, whoever they are. There is this long journey called life that we embarked on years and years ago and it would be sad to think that we've been missing a part of ourselves. The journey of the individual is not to find what we have never had. It is to discover what we are and always have been. People will always walk in and out of our lives. They will bring things to our journey and decorate the path with smiles and love and passion and tears and they will all teach us something in their own way. Some people will only stay temporarily but they are never lost because they have contributed to who we are to become. The people that no longer walk by us will
leave a hole for a while. We may even stop and stare at their fading footprints. Once the shock wares off we move forward to greater places and heavier things. The road was never meant to be smooth, and we usually don't have a map. The trick is to see the color through the hurt in our hearts and the water in our eyes. To remember we are not solitary creatures. The path we walk, skip, run, jump, and fly on is one we create to feel a connection with ourselves and with others. It is true that we need time to collect ourselves. To breathe, and sometimes we just need to be alone. This will pass - the hurt, the confusion, and everything else that looks like a blur in your mind. There is always much life to live beyond the walls of now. Smile
- Tomorrow has the potential to be a great day.

Listen

2009-12-18T21:26:00.000-08:00

I haven't been taking care of my heart. It was already broken, but it seems I've been avoiding putting the pieces back together. I don't want it to be real, so I've let the pain linger in hopes that something may happen. I change constantly. One moment I'm ready to leave it all behind, but then I'm terrified. Terrified that when I walk on, I leave hope behind. Maybe thats not such a bad thing. But the 'what ifs' keep running circles in my head. What if he carries hope with him too? What if he's just scared? What if he finds someone else?

I know we're all replaceable, but the thought hurts so bad. I forget to turn it around. I am replaceable, but so is he. (Though it doesn't feel like it yet) Though we are replaceable, we are not replicable. I need to put him back in a box along with all the other memories I have of and with him. This box will be perfect. It will be full of happiness, and love, and pain, and a little bit of hope. The problem is I haven't found the lock to keep it closed. The problem is, I'm not looking. The problem is I know when I walk on, there is no coming back. Because all things are possible, I know there is a chance that it will come around. But the fact is, it isn't probable.

I haven't been taking care of my heart. I need to decide. I need to stop leading myself on. I need to be done with random acts of hopelessness. I need to choose, but I'm not ready yet.

Give me a reason.

Middle Ground

2009-12-15T00:04:00.000-08:00

I'm walking a fine line between distance and disaster. It's a dangerous game to play, but for now it feels better than nothing at all. I'm attempting to live moment by moment with my hopeless dreams; knowing, unfortunately, that they are likely to fall apart. This probably isn't good for me. I should probably quite while I'm ahead. Why do we do things we know we might regret? "Jump first, fear later." But that's not even what I'm doing. Thats what the problem is. I'm playing it safe. I'm walking the middle ground and it weaves between high and low. Is it bad that I like it here? None of these paths seem more or less traveled, so maybe I'm doing okay? The high ground and low ground seem so definite and I can't take either with certainty. I'm testing out the waters here. I'm dwelling in doubt to find certainty. I may just be making things up to justify myself, but, for now, let the tight rope continue.

Strength of the Broken

2009-12-14T00:32:00.000-08:00

Emmy is my age. He lives in Gulu, Uganda. I have never met him, and I probably never will. I know he has the ability to light up a room with his laughter. I also know he has been through the most challenging experiences life could ever give you. He was orphaned by AIDS five years ago because his family did not have sufficient access to medical care. He walked for 2 days every month to get pills for his mother. To support her as she had supported him. As she had supported her family.

When Emmy's mother Christine passed away Emmy spoke of family. He spoke of loneliness, of fear, of being broken. He had no one left. He had two older brothers, one older sister, and one younger brother, but no mother, or father. He felt as though he had lost his support system and it took a community to build what had been taken for him.

From Emmy I find inspiration. In his story there is strength and hope. More importantly there is gratitude. He reminded me of my family. My family I feel is falling apart. Sometimes I want to walk away to deal with my own problems, but this is my family and they need me, and I need them. This is life.

Love is Present

2009-12-10T20:57:00.000-08:00

"With time you'll be a new soul and you'll be able to look back and not get stuck on it. instead you'll realize it was nice while it lasted. You will move on, you will have new memories with someone else. Don't compare memories and you'll be okay."

"Well i bet in your case it was true, but towards the end he just ranaway from it."

"I think love is always present.
People leave,
love doesn't.
Love is always there.
In fact i think you still love him. Jeff says he doesnt love you because he left it, he ran way from it, he stopped believing."

Anne is wise.

Something True

2009-12-09T19:57:00.000-08:00

I think you've got me all wrong. But it's not your fault it's mine. I've not been myself lately. This face is my facade. Perhaps I'm only talking to myself. I do tend to think too much, but in case you're listening I thought I'd let you know. It's been a long few weeks, and I've found myself a little lost. I'm not sure what it is, but there is an eerie familiarity around here, and I'm not sure I like it. Here I find my secrets. They used to lay so quietly but now they scream to tell me something true.

They say to find yourself you must first loose yourself completely. That even when we don't know where we are, we are on journey. The thought frightens me, and grounds me. The unexpected will turn out better than I could ever expect. I know that, but I don't feel it. All I feel is my heart pumping in my chest. Sometimes it's so loud it hurts. Sometimes it's so soft I'm scared. I guess thats how you know you're alive. This subtle sadness, constant pain, wild fear, terrible loneliness, they are meant to strengthen us - prepare us even, for what comes next.

I know that, but I can't feel it yet.

It used to be so easy to see the upside. Now it feels like I'm breaking my neck to keep my chin up. I promised myself long ago I would always write with the purpose to inspire and enlighten. To give hope a name, even if it was just for myself. Hope got lost in these letters, and I think that is what I'm trying to find. So if I've been cold, or cruel, or distant, I'm sorry. It's all just in fear. I lied. I'm scared to, but everything else I said was true. As much as I claim to be rebuilding my walls and locking myself in, its just not possible anymore. I've been there before and the static sound of ruthless thoughts does nothing but break you.

So here I am. Raw and exposed, but at least I'm alive. There will be more let downs, more pain, more dishonesty, more truth, more hope, more love, and more experience."There is much life to be lived outside of these walls. Life that is not be be darkened by sad sighs of the past or worried glances of the future. Simply by taking hold of the glorious possibilities of the present and bringing them to action." - Me. I need to start taking my own advice again.

I'm getting back to now. Finding the person I want to become. I've forgotten to look for the colors of possibilities even in this estranged light. It's hard, but its necessary. Its bright and exciting. It's everything you want it to be, if you let it.

Flawed Logic

2009-12-06T23:35:00.000-08:00

You can only let people influence you if you let them in. You can only let them touch your soul if you tear down your wall. My wall is down, but I want to build it taller and thicker than before because it feels like this wall is all I have. If its built strong enough it can protect me and it will never let me down. People, they let you down. They also help you, they also fix you, but they hurt you so bad. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going to miss some major opportunity, but I can't risk being let down again. Everyone has proved me right so far - people, they let you down. Promises - lies. Love - forget it, eventually it ends one way or another. So these are the truths I must now live with, but they are so sad, they make me cry.

So I'm closing myself off, and I'm scared, because I don't like being alone. And it hurts that there is no one to say goodbye to as I walk away. This is flawed logic. I realize this, but I don't know who to depend on. No one but myself. Even I let myself down, but at least I can give myself a reason. At least I fight for me. I am grateful for that, but this battle is so tiring. I'm starting to feel numb again. Looking around to nothing around. I'll keep helping. I'll keep supporting. I will be there for those in need, but I don't trust that anyone will stick around. I know that is flawed logic too, because people don't trust you if you don't trust them back.

Day by day? What's the point? I like the unexpected, but living so uncertain of everything? I guess thats reality?

I'm so lost right now I want to scream. I've been in and out of this place too many times in the past month or two. Tata would enjoy every moment of everyday but its like I don't even remember how because I'm too worried about everything falling apart.

I've been here before, I don't like this place.

These are the Holidays

2009-11-29T22:54:00.000-08:00

As November draws to a close, I am forced to reflect the closing of fall and beginning of winter. Looking back at these lonely posts I feel a little bipolar. They are full of hope, love, anger and resentment. It's time for something in between. Thats were we should live right? In moderation with no depletion or excess. Always looking forward, never being complacent, but at least being content. I've lost that satisfaction in everyday things. I've forgotten to be grateful for every moment of everyday. I've lost track of how lucky I am.

This years thanksgiving was a time of reflection, and the past has not been so bright. There were more tears than food, and more arguments than conversations. The holidays seem to be caving without Tata. It was so hurtful seeing what he loved be butchered with sorrow. Its more than understandable that this family is still hurting, but I could help but think that Tata would be so hurt to see us like this. I'm sorry Tata, I'm doing my best. One day they'll remember again.

Effectively Empty Cliche

2009-11-17T22:37:00.000-08:00

Don't be afraid to ask questions. Its scary not to know the answers but no one expects you to. You aren't alone. It's not because there is a boy that kisses you behind glass doors behind glass doors, it is because you alone have the power to be a part of something outside yourself. Remember you are small. Remember its okay to be a little lost and its okay to be a little scared. Thats life hun. One day someone else will write you this letter; until then, find comfort in your own words and remember how lucky you are to have so many people around you.

Just breathe. Things will turn out how they are meant to. Life is worth the risk, the challenge, and the heartbreak because now is all we have. Take full advantage of life, of every moment of everyday. Tomorrow will be dealt with and solved, but for now revel in the sunlight of this moment.

What's Next

2009-10-27T00:46:00.000-07:00

This is the first step into the unexpected. The big picture, the future, it's all a blur, but it's so vibrant I can't help but smile. It's still scary as hell, and I don't know if I'm actually where I want to be, but I'm being pulled forward by an uncontrollable force. The only name I can give it is time. It moves past us, with us, by us, away from us, in lue of emotion and all we can do is use it to the best of our own advantage. "Enjoy every moment because every second we spend upset, sad, or anxious is a moment of happiness we can never regain." Life is a big, complicated, heartbreaking, passionate, exhilarating journey that is worth the pain and is worth the fight. So fight. Don't dwell on the confusion of heartbreak and look forward to the day love hits you in the face again. Most importantly, please don't be too afraid to let it back in.

pathetic.

2009-10-23T02:27:00.000-07:00

It seems like yesterday you loved me
but I know its been a long time gone
Still tomorrow is coming
and i'll have to move on

This is so childish so weak
it pains me just to see,
but it seems its the only thing
that will just let me be.

I hate you for giving up
I hate you for letting go
You say you'll be back
But that day will never show.

I have to guard my heart now
build up that ugly wall
to keep you from getting in
just to watch me fall

I know you don't love me
I just don't know why
I do hope you're happy
I also hope you cry

I'm so glad I loved you
I'm so glad you were mine
but now I'm feeling empty
and all I do is hide

I don't know what's in tomorrow
but I do know I'll find
something better than today
and god I hope it doesn't rhyme

Someday someone will love me
Someday someone will care
Someday I'll be someone's everything
but I know you won't be there.

Fate Will Find Me

2009-10-17T20:48:00.001-07:00

"Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you."

I don't believe he's coming back. I believe that he wants to believe he's coming back, but its not going to happen. I hope he proves me wrong. I hope he fights for me like he said he would. I hope he'll love me again, but that is completely out of my hands. The only thing I can do it hope.

I know I have a beautiful life with beautiful people in it and the most incredible experiences ahead of me. I love him, and I hope I can be his friend and I hope we can still be a part of each others journey because I am so excited to see what happens for him next. I'm not giving myself false hope. I'm not going to wait by the phone and try to make him love me again. If he doesn't end up loving me as much as I love him, he isn't worth falling apart again. However, for being with me through so much and for helping me grow into who I am today, he is worth keeping in my life. I am glad I gave him my heart. I am glad and lucky and blessed to have fallen in love with him. I would not be the same person had I not taken a chance on him.

Now it is time for greater places and heavier things. It is time to jump first and fear later. I'm hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst. I will love life and continue to be the person I am becoming. I am who I've been waiting for. Beyond the pain and the heartbreak you will see that love is an experience and you are lucky to have been in it. Love is amazing and fate will find me where ever I go.

Remember This

2009-10-11T23:42:00.000-07:00

Truth:

"If the tables were turned he wouldn't have to do anything to get you back because you love him so much, so why would you have to do anything to get him back?"

"There is either something that is getting in the way that is making him think he doesn't love or he doesn't love you anymore."

"If he figures out that he made a mistake and that he loves you as much as you love him he will come back to you without you being his friend."

Hope and Tears

2009-10-11T12:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not entirely sure where to begin. I'm not entirely sure what happened. He let me go, but I didn't want to leave. I don't want to leave, and life just doesn't feel the same. I'm had three really great days with new friends that have comforted me and made me laugh, but I couldn't get him off my mind. I never stop thinking about him. He used to make every smile, every laugh, every breathe a little more enjoyable. The world looked a little brighter when I could call him and hear that he loved me. What happened? The world isn't as dark as I thought it would be without him, but it still pales in comparison to the colors he put in my day.

I'll be his friend-his best friend, but I want to be his world again, because he's still mine.. I'll be his friend in hopes that one day we will be laughing together and he will feel my love again. The only thing he will be able to do is look in my eyes and kiss me like he's missed me for a million years. I just want to hold him. Everyday thats thats the only thing I want. I want to run my fingers throw his hair and feel his heartbeat again. I can't explain it. I have hope, but I'm so scared he's going to love being my friend, more than being my everything.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love

Symposium

2009-10-02T16:26:00.000-07:00

The Greeks used myths to explain those things that could not be explained. From the creation of the world, to the formation of oceans, the creation of mankind, and their relationship with the gods, myths provide an explanation to the unknown. Aristophanes' speech focuses on the creation of man, and the creation of love. Though his myth is not based in reality, the metaphor he creates for love has been the same through all of time. "'Love' is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete.” (Symposium 29) We can relate to this idea of love because there are aspects of love that do make us feel complete, wanted, needed, cherished, and appreciated. This ‘love’ doesn’t have to be from another individual. There are people that never fall in love, but still feel complete because they have found purpose in their life, and in that purpose there is love. It is important to find this purpose and to be passionate about life.

I am not entirely convinced in the concept of the ‘other half,’ but love, I believe, can make you more whole. Love of any kind can add to an individual’s life in ways never expected. When one is ‘in love’ it involves setting down your guard to discover yourself, to discover others, and to discover life in an entirely new perspective.

Naked as We Came

2009-09-26T20:09:00.001-07:00

There is so much that I should have said before this, but as always I write in my own time of need and not for that of others. Selfish. Pathetic. Ridiculous. Yea I've been over all that in my head, but it's the only think left to do today. I have forgotten place, but it consumed me today. I sat and cried this morning and then some more this afternoon and I'm almost positive that I'm not done. I have this awful feeling. The one you used to have the first day you walked into high school in a new town. Not knowing anyone and swearing that the entire world is against you. Actually people remind me that I am in the fact the only one that has this continual feeling but I don't see how thats true. At this moment for example, I know I'm wrong but I swear that all the people I live with would rather not have me around. They give me the courtesy of asking if want to join them, but only in extreme reluctance. Not that I could even attempt to today, but it's not the time to ruin the fun for anyone else. I'm the ugly grey cloud at the party. I can't smile and it makes my stomach hurt. I hate this person and in this mood and I know that this is now how I am thought of. The sad girl that sits in her room and cries. The progressively ridiculous side of me even thinks the laughter in the hallway is about me but that would be giving myself all to much credit.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I feel lost and abandoned. I'm hardly indestructible today and I can't find the strength to pull myself up. I really need someone to talk to, but saying all this out loud makes it seem even more ridiculous. I have so much but all I want is someone to talk to. I feel like I'm not helping anything right now. Like I'm taking up space in my own room.

Sigues Luchando

2009-07-19T14:57:00.000-07:00

Diversity is a long string of differences that connects the human race; it joins together the individuals of the global community to defy all odds. Our generation has the challenge and the privilege of joining this community together to change history as we know it. As I continue to learn about the vast world we live in I discover the beauty, the strength, and the compassion that prevails over hardship, and injustice. The power of these virtues comes from embracing diversity. We are not solitary creatures. My experience as a leader has shown me the power of diversity and as a member of the SMLI I hope to grow as a leader and an individual by listening to more stories, being humbled by the human experiences of others, and asking questions to figure out who I am and what my role is in effectively changing history as we know it.
In 2008 I began the Invisible Children Chapter at Palm Springs High School with the goal of bring together students under one common goal. Our school had been through so much loss, and I wanted to show my peers that there was life beyond the hard cold walls of high school. That there is life to be lived and people to help, and a world that is yet to be discovered. My small group of five grew to a group of 20. We all came from different backgrounds. We were all labeled with different stereotypes. Statistics show that we were never meant to be friends, and yet we became part of a movement, and the only way we could do so was by making our differences our strengths. Together we raised $18,000 and sent 1,000 books to support students in Gulu, Uganda. Our greatest accomplishment however, was one none of us could have foreseen.
On April 25, 2009, I abducted myself from society and tied myself to 2,000 strangers. United we marched for three miles with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a few writing utensils at hand. We marched to symbolize the thousands of children in Northern Uganda who had been abducted from their homes by a man named Joseph Kony to become child soldiers. We marched in hopes to feel a connection with them — to get a glimpse of their lives, no matter how small. We marched to tell the world their story — to tell the world we would not back down until they were rescued.
During the Rescue Event we became closer as a group to the thousands of strangers around us. We knew little about each other, but out of our diversity we found a connection to the people that shared with us one common bound. The compassion we felt for the people living through a 23 year long civil war in Uganda, and the passion we had to see it all come to an end. Even more incredible to me was the uprising of hope that was felt that evening. Thousands of us joined together to help people we don't know and may never meet. But they are our equals. They are citizens of the world and as such they deserve the support of the global community. No matter what culture, age, sex, race, sexual orientation, background, etc, I believe everyone is a part of this community. It became real to me in that moment. The movement we are a part of is a catalyst for change. "The impossible is just a dare." -Orion Pahl, IC Representative. Diversity holds us together and will continues to do so as we fight for human rights, and as we better the world.
I am reminded daily about the people living in Uganda. Humbled by their strength and endurance. I am reminded that I am small in an enormous world, but in that minuteness I find the courage and motivation to join together the power of diversity to do great things. During SMLI I will learn from the experiences of other leaders and hope to gain new perspectives on how to detach myself emotionally from conflict while still being productive enough to work through them. I will continuously work to reach past cultural divides to support my community as they have supported me.
"Sigues luchando." Keep fighting. These were the last words of my grandfather. He taught me that life is the most marvoulous fight one will encounter. He taught me that the beauty of life comes fromt he people you keep in it. A full life is one full of diversity, respect, compassion, passion, and endless curiosty. All these things I can bring to SMLI. As a leader in my school and community I have encountered many faces with many stories. I have learned more from them then they could ever learn from me, but it is my hope that I have touched their lives as they have touched mine. Thank you for the opportunity to be a part of your program.

Questions

2009-06-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

For months I've been fighting to help end poverty in Africa. To stop the civil war in Uganda and bring peace to a nation, to it's people, to the children that have never seen peace. This is not that country. This is a world all of it's own. One desperate to separate itself from the Africa I know and adore.

This Africa is brilliant in it's own way, and strong beyond belief. It is only in its beginning stages of change. Still unconsciously pulling away from the discomfort change can turn. Apartheid ended only years back,and I can only imagine that this is what the states were like after the civil rights movement. Here people with darker skin are still called 'colored' and there is a difference between 'colored' and 'black' Perhaps I'm just not used to the lingo, but I still get a strange feeling when I hear it.

The townships were a glimpse into the Africa I know. Small metal homes, cold, dark and dangerous. With an air of hope in the smile of a child, and a heartbreaking plea for help in tired face of his mother. There places with over 4.5 million people are out of site and out of mind. With such a strength of wealth between the poor and the middle class, the crime rate rises, and the education falters, because everyone is too afraid, or overwhelmed, to help 'them.' The government is beginning to help, but all too slow. For every 20 homes they build, 100 are torn down. It seems to be a half hearted effort for a well adapted problem. The 20 families living in those homes have the incentive to live better and strive for a better life because they are forced to get a job and stay at a certain income to pay for utilities, but what happens to those other 80? Displaced? Forgotten? The healthy alternative is a stronger emphasis on the school system. It could be a reach, but the out comes with huge advantages. Education, knowledge, the true fruits of growth, could change the entire world. The wisdom that comes with an open mind, the simple thought that there is more to know than that which is known at this present time. The humbling thought that comes to me and hopefully even to those millions of people in the townships and the displacement camps, that there is more to life than this moment. More to life than this place, than this time. Change. The possibilities inside even the small spaces of our personal universe that have yet to be discovered. Should those places in our hearts and minds be changed before the place where we lay our head? Do these places work dependently? Does one have to change before the other? Which one?

I can not wait for the day that these townships and the displacements camps in Uganda become memorials of the world we once lived. A place never to be seen again.
(Des and Luke want to be in the blog so here they are. They are from Ireland, and play rugby. Yes the rugby rule applies.)

Tribute

2009-05-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

I've had the privileged of living my life with Tata. Privileged that I've had time to learn from him throughout my few years, and even more in the past few days. His words have made me smile and cry and learn to live the rest of my life more full of life than I would have had I not known him to be the man he is. His strength, his love, his passion for life is incredible. These qualities that he has shown us are now qualities we must live to continue his memory. This along with the memory of his laugh and his smile are the greatest gifts he could given us.

Our journey is not over. We continue to exist and we must fill our existence with what he has taught us. The two most important things he told me in his last days were, one, that education is much more than books and information; it is about the passion that come through the process of discovering new things and what we do with that information to help other people. The second is that we must always laugh and always smile because that is what keeps us young. He also emphasized family. Without family we are alone, but with family we will never be alone. There are so many things I have learned from Tata. All of them give the the reassurance that life is good and that there are incredible things that have yet to happen. Tata, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you and how much you have influenced my life. "Siges luchando." These were the last words Tata told me. La vida es una lucha grande y maraviosa. Una lucha que Tata le encanto y que nosotrs debemos continuir.

Comforting the Nonexistent

2009-04-27T22:47:00.000-07:00

There is not a lot to say to comfort a person when they know someone they love is going to die, but it seems there is even less to say to an atheist. I've been to far to many worship services and prayer circles in the past few days. Countless times I've been told that 'things are in Gods hands.' They tell stories of heaven and hell. Places I had forgotten people truly believed existed. Places that are fantasy lands to me. Places that, for me, my grandfather will not go. I am glad the idea that he will raise up to the clouds and live again eternally is comforting to him and to the rest of my family, but it left me empty. Feeling guilty and alone through the passage of sorrow. How do you comfort an atheist at the time of death? When the only life we live for is ending, when the moment of nonexistence is again to return, what is left to comfort us?

Nonexistence.

It was difficult for me to understand at first, but that is what we have. We have everything in our belief of nothingness. There is so much beauty in the simple belief that we are born, that we live, and that one day, we die. There is wonder and mystery in everything in between existence and non existence. There is much life to be lived, and much love to be remembered for those of us still living. I asked my friend to console me without mention of God or the afterlife. Something that would make sense when it felt like things were falling apart. This is what he told me -

"Nonexistence isn't a terrible thing to conceive of. We were dead a long time before we were born and it didn't hurt a bit. Besides, admitting that someone no longer exists makes the time they spent with us seem more precious." -Andrew Blinkinsop

I've had the privileged of living my life with Tata. Privileged that I've had time to learn from him throughout my few years, and even more in the past few days. His words that were once unending are numbered now, but I have gotten so much out of the last few. Breathes that have made me smile and cry and learn to live the rest of my life more full of life than I would have had I not known him to be the man he is. His strength, his love, his passion for life is incredible. These qualities that he has shown us are now qualities we must live to continue his memory. This along with the memory of his laugh and his smile are the greatest gifts he could give as he ends his journey.

Our journey is not over. We continue to exist and we must fill our existence with what he has taught us. Las dos cosas mas importantes que me a decido en estos dias son que educacion es muchos mas de libros y informacion, es la passion que biene con la procesa de discubrier nuvas cosos y lo que haces con esa informacion para ayudad a otras persons. La secunda es que siempre debemos reir y sonreir porque eso es lo que nos deja joben. Tambien enfatica la familia. Sin la familia estamos solos, pero con la familia, nunca vamos a estar solos. Ay tantas cosas que yo a aprendido de Tata. Dodas me dan la seguridad que la vida es buena y ay muchos cosas increibles que todavia no an pasado. Tata nunca voy a poder dicer te quanto te amo y quanto me as influido mi vida.

"The soles of our shoes are all worn down. The time to sleep is now. It's nothing to cry about. We'll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms. If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied. Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, I will follow you into the dark." -Deathcab for Cutie

Tata has lived more and seen more than most people do in a lifetime. His body is worn, but his spirit like his love will endure until the very end. He may not live eternally behind pearly gates, but he will be much more alive in the love I have for him, the love I will spread in his name, and the love that will continue to grow once I pass because I will have told the story of his life
to those who I love as he loves me.

Goodnight Tata, Te amo con todo me corazon y voy a continuir a amar te y amar la vida como usted.

Sony Ericcson

2009-03-26T12:02:00.000-07:00

I lost my phone this morning, and I fell into tear. I felt so disconnected and unsure. This chaos of a world is getting to me. The me I no longer remember is showing herself in this madness. The me that couldn't coupe. The stressed, the sad, the weary, the weak. I loath that person. Directionless, and lost. I've been running in circles physically and mentally, trying to remember were I left the three inch piece of plastic that was holding me together- connected to an outside world. It should be humbling to know that the day will continue on without my texts or phone calls, but it's not the world I am at all concerned about. I'm trying to be part of this great thing that is so much bigger than myself. Yet I find myself feeling useless and out of place. A let down if you will. So many eyes waiting for my next move. Asking me 'What can we do?" It's not in me to tell them, "I do not know." That ridiculous invention- the cellular device- was my small life line where I could say "help keep me together." I could say my deepest thoughts so quickly I could discard them in moments. It allowed me seconds to breathe and to smile.

This is not meant to be an ode do my beloved. It is a reflection on myself. What defines me? Through mounting chaos, excitement, and responsibility, I hope it will not be a small screen with buttons and numbers. Something so trivial, and impersonal. There is a world bigger than myself and wider than the connections of phone lines can reach. In that concept I find strength. In my path are disappointed faces, and demanding eyes. I make it a point today to look past that and into myself to find the person I have become.

A glimpse of the person I left behind haunted me today. Telling me I was inadequate. That I was not to make progress, and that I should not try at all. I know better. I may not be superswomen, but I am coming to The Rescue. There is much life to be lived outside of these walls. Life that is not be be darkened by sad sighs of the past or worried glances of the future. Simply by taking hold of the glorious possibilities of the present and bringing them to action.

Idle Thoughts

2009-01-27T21:52:00.001-08:00

I've been humbled so many times in the past month. It's such an amazing feeling. To feel small in a world so much outside of ourselves that you can't help but to realize something. I don't even know what that something is (which may possibly make this whole thing pointless, but I'll continue anyways). I'll try my best to stay on topic, thought I've never been to good at following one path.

I'm frightened by how easily I build back up after such humbling experiences. I'm profoundly touched by the efforts people take to step out of seemingly hopeless situations. Inspired by the joy on a child's face when they receive shoes, or water. And yet I walk away only with superfluous thoughts that mirror storybook aspirations. I get so emotionally involved that my investment ends up being counterproductive. I stare idly at a screen of tiny black words, in a big quite house, with no one but myself to hear the nonsense I come up with. But if they heard it would they listen? Would they see that, in all reality, the idea of being humbled, broken down, exposed, loved, is what makes me feel truly alive, and almost powerless, in the most opposite of connotations.

Power is given to the elite. To those deemed capable of more than just story book aspirations. In that sense, who holds power. I hold no power, and that makes me the most powerful. I want power over my life, and that is the easiest power to take hold of, and the easiest power to loose. With this power I dub myself powerful enough to make changes and make something more idle thoughts and idle words. I have no control over what happens today in someone's life, nor would I want that responsibility. In that sense I am powerless. But I choose to empower myself to work against the powers of men to effect the outcome of something more. And in doing so may hope to inspire someone else.

These somethings, and someones, are vague and vast, but they are there, and I intend to find them.

Its like the wind.

2009-01-02T10:30:00.001-08:00

"My strength is in direct proportion to the love you have for me."

Be strong. Remember the moments that make you smile, and disregard the rest. Things will never be the same. They will be better then we could have ever expected. Life goes on, as does the love I have for you. Love, like life, is timeless. And time heals all wounds. This too shall pass. And when it does I will still be standing next to you. Hand in hand.

All my Love,
Meghan

Maybe it hurts for a reason.

2009-01-02T09:07:00.000-08:00

"Does it hurt?

Yes.

Where does it hurt?

Everywhere.

Maybe it hurts for a reason."

Another year passing, and another year done. More mistakes mad, and battles won. For the second year in a row I tripped over the end of December and stumbled in pain into the new year. You'd think I would learn. You'd think. And learn I have done much. I've gained knowledge and perspective and the simple joy that is happiness. So what happened? We're all allowed a lapse in judgement every once in a while. Once a year? I filled my quota, but now it haunts me. I keep telling myself I'm only human. Its my greatest flaw and my saving grace. I made a mistake. twice. It was bad one. A big one. But not as big or as bad as others. Thats doesn't validate my mistake, but I thought it would count for something. I don't know what I was thinking, or what I'm thinking now. I know that I have inflicted unnecessary, and only time can heal the wound, but how I wish time would fix things sooner. I understand my wrong, and this pain must be here for a reason, I just can't figure out what it is yet. I put myself in a dangerous situation. I forget how young I am, how fragile, how new to life I am. I still, like most others my age, have the child like naivete that believes we can jump through hoops and 'love surpass all evil mindset. I'm not untouchable. At the same time I shouldn't tempt fate. The time will come for all of that. Until then its better to stay weary.

It still hurts. Perhaps its a lesson I would have learned eventually. Perhaps its a caution. Perhaps I won't find out until I find out. For now it just hurts. I love him. Of that there is no question. But I can't stop thinking about how much this hurt him. He's lost so many people in his life. I won't be one of them. But he feel in love with my family too. They embraced him. Welcomed him in, and now he's banished. There have been more awful people in my life. He is not one of them. Together we are flawed, but much less flawed then we are apart. He will be welcome again some day. But it hurts to think of how long it may take.

Blessed are the Loved.

2008-12-25T23:58:00.000-08:00

“Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another.” -George Eliot

Though everyday should be considered a blessing, today above all other days should be cherished as such. Though my life has already been far beyond blessed, today was a blessing in itself. It is the first Christmas is a very long time that all the presents fit under one glowing tree. The thought makes me stomach turn and my heart smile. Turn not because I miss them, but because it saddens me that it has taken us so long to learn the fruitfulness of moderation. To be truthful, we are still far from moderate, but today was a step. My cousins are still young and as it seems my have trouble with the concept, but I trust they will soon face themselves and understand the true grace that can come from no package that is bought from no store. Because I am human, I am still guilty of want, and always will be. So many times today my heart has broken when a gift is open and then gone unacknowledged by the recipient. How glad should we be to be in a warm home, with an abundance or food, love and family. I hope the pill in our home shrinks with time and age and eventually be grown to move into a different household where it will be needed and received gratefully. Our household is complete without a single gift, and yet today I feel as though I have been given the world. Every smile, every laugh, every moment feels better in his arms. And in his arms I hope to stay. He is truly a gift in my life. I don't mean to be cliche or to weigh this love against the love I have for my family. It is simply that the love I share with him reminds me daily that love must not only be cherished, but spread to whom ever will accept it. Never should it be put in a box with a bow on top. One day the holidays will again be about love. About the influence one heart can make on another.

Jesus Talk

2008-12-23T20:52:00.000-08:00

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law." -Jefferson

Would the world be a better place with or without America? It hard to argue that it would be better place without our nation, but that doesn't mean we should praise ourselves for 'our glorious nation.' We've done great things in the past. We have also done awful things. And more recently it can be argued that we've done more harm then good. The reason the world is a better place with the United States is not because we are by default 'Americans,' it is because we as individuals have the will and the opportunity to speak out against what they believe is wrong. I was told it is because the freedom that is granted to us by God is protected by the declaration of independence. I can't understand that version of freedom. Granted by someone or something else? Freedom to me, like so many other things, is a choice. I can choose to to be submissive to another persons will, but instead I choose to be free. The human right that is granted by free will - that freedom is protected by the constitution. (Mind you the declaration of independence holds no weight in our government and is more of a whine list about the king.) Further more our founding fathers were deist so freedom granted by God would be questionable. Jefferson him self said

"Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because if there be one he must approve of the homage of reason more than that of blindfolded fear."

I have no problem with people believing in God, but the blindfolded faith Jefferson speaks of is what keeps individuals complacent. One of the most dangerous states of being. It is this faith that burned innocent men, women, and children at the steak. It is this faith that begins wars 'in the name of Christ' and in the cost of others. It is this faith that condemns those who do not fit the outline of religious perfection (which should be everyone but only seems to be the select few). It is the faith, however, that enslaves entire races, and then frees them.

The power of America is not God given freedom, but the ever lasting opportunity to change. Christianity or all kinds, along with thousands of other religious organizations will never vanish. The hope is that there will also always be those individuals that question the wrong of the world and challenge those who say things can not change.

Words from the Wise

2008-03-25T16:10:00.001-07:00

It's okay to feel shottie sometimes. It's kind of this thing called life. So you take a few hits. Things don't turn out. Dumb shit gets in the way of your dream. To damn bad. At least you have dream. Working towards something is already half of the dream. Getting up when you get knocked out is the other half. So GET UP and forget the shit. Its not worth your time or your effort. If your going to feel shottie thats fine. We all do sometimes. As long as its something worth feeling down about and as long as you do something about it. At the end of the day smile because you still have a million things going for you and no matter what happened today, tomorrows a brand new day with a new fight and a new victory and if your really lucky you've got a dream to hold on to and people cheering for you on the other side of the ring. Hell you've even got people that will take a round or two for you. Take life for what its worth, and stop over analyzing shit. Smile through everything, somehow it makes things that much easier and it makes other people smile too. You have more love in your life right now then some people have in a lifetime, and thats more then you could ever ask for. Things work themselves out. They always do. Sometimes its not the way you expect, but thats okay. You've got more then you need going for you and as long as you keep your chin up, keep working hard, and stop over analyzing shit, everything will be fine. You're a wonderwall.

Jeffrey Sapigao
Jay J Jones
Jason Powell
Jessica Lenz
Nella Salazar
Desiree Landry
Coach G

Their advice always makes my day and it always makes tough days bearable. Life is nothing without people to share the ride with. It's the people that can keep you motivated and pick you up when you feel like falling and make you laugh on top if it that you never let go of, that change your life, that you remember forever. I thank you and I love you all for always being here for me and anyone else that needs a reminder to smile or a shoulder to lean on.

SJM

2008-02-11T17:12:00.000-08:00

He read my like a book. He could pretty much read anyone. His love was so endless and he made everything exciting. It didn't matter if you hadn't seen him for a day or for a week he would always be excited to see you and vis vera. You couldn't help but want his company and he was never far to give it. This kid helped me through so much and we agreed things would be fine simply because we were peruvian. We mad crazy plans and i know one day ill meet him on top of machu picchu to see him 'teach the gods how to hardcore dance.' 'Keep it Posi' was his solution and his philosophy. Thats going to be so hard without you Steffi. I long to hear you laugh to see you smile to hug you even one last time. You were right. Rest In Peace

People.

2007-12-15T11:40:00.000-08:00

I have mine, but sometimes I forget. There are days, moments when I think I have no one left. Not that I'm alone necessarily, but that I'm lost. I need people, and when I have evidence that makes me doubt there presents that when I feel lost. I've come to realize slowly that it's not the evidence that matters. It goes beyond that. Far and beyond evidence. The people you want, the people you need, they don't have to leave evidence of how much they do or don't need you. You just know. So when times change and people come and go you need the people. The people that will be there constantly to make you smile when you need them to. It's true that sometimes people disappoint you. The people you expect to be there may leave, but what if they aren't really gone? What if they're just temporarily unavailable. You can still miss them, and you definitely don't have to care for them any less. It just means you wait. It may never be the same but even if it isn't you can take comfort in the fact that you had something, something perfect and amazing. A friend. Somebody to confide it. Someone that changed your life and hopefully made you a better person. This isn't just to one person as some may expect. This is to every person that has ever been in my life. The people that I've lost, the people that seem to be slowly drifting away, the people that are slowly coming back, the people I have, and the people to come.

Never take anything for granted. Enjoy every second, of every moment. Don't think about the end. Don't think the bad things that may or may not happen, and strive to make every moment better then the last. The only things in life that matter are the ones that make you smile.

2007-12-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

Today was Stephano's birthday. It was grey and cold and cloudy and oddly appropriate. Its hard to explain. It didn't rain like it was supposed to. It was just overcast and damp which gives no justice to Stephano's life or personality. The sky showed the way everyone felt. The grey creatures moved slowly through the sky, taunting everyones sadness. We were supposed to be excited to go see him today. To watch him stuff his mouth with 99 cent tacos and listening him to make fun at our pathetic excuses for a birthday cake, but there was none of that to look forward to. So as we sat on the ground after ignoring the cold of the day, we looked at the sky. The light from the sun made the grey scatter but never disappear. The clouds, the sadness, the cold, they will always be around. With that you have to wait and look for the light that will separate the two.

Happy Birthday Babes- Peruano.
Have fun partying with James Brown.
I can't wait to see you.
Miss and Love you so much.
R.I.P