Closure really hits the spot on an empty stomach.

Everything happens for a reason. Realizing exactly what that reason is, is so liberating, exciting, scary, wonderful. Good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Oh my, to the silly rantings of a broken heart. I'm finally grateful for the experience of falling to pieces because I've slowly rebuilt myself beautiful new perspectives. Fragments of glass, like fragments of a broken hearts, become prisms. Bending light and reflecting the future. Showing beauty in dark places and harmonizing with sorrow. Bringing hope, and it's never the same kind you wanted before. It's real and promising. So as much as I'd like to erase so many of these posts that were once soaked in tears and confusion I won't. Because even though they seem absolutely ridiculous now, I know they didn't feel ridiculous then. More importantly, they brought me to now. "Your eyes must do some raining if they're ever going to grow." I'm not done growing, and I'm sure there will be storms in the future, but I'm keeping this moment. Here's to my freedom and never settling.

wake up.

get up.

you've heard these words before and they usually come from yourself before they come from other people. There are always days like this. Breathe. Days like this that come and pass. Days this that knock the wind out of you and while you're not breathing you loose hope and motivation. Things begin to feel like they're slipping away. You feel too far to catch up. Too behind to be seen. Too small to be heard. You know this place. You've been here before. So stand taller, work harder, speak louder. There will be days like this and they always bring tomorrow. Breathe.

365 Days

mscamcaho.tumblr.com

It was just easier to start a new blog for this project. I'm sorry blogger. You will not be forgotten. I promise to write often or at least to copy and past from my newest project. To anyone who may read this, thank you. Even if no one does, it's nice to pretend. Have a beautiful day.

Best,

Meghan

Decision

I'm giving us a chance. I'm walking away. I can't stay here any longer. This place is full of lingering pain, growing doubt, and dwindling hope. The facts are simple and clear. I've just been manipulating them in my head. The fantasy land I've been living in has been nice, but only when I close my eyes. Which I guess makes me blind. The moments in your arms are warm in passing but they leave behind threats of further hurt and regret. I refuse to be the silly pathetic little girl that lets herself settle. I'm better than this. I'm better than "wait" and I'm better than "I don't know." Its not my responsibility to convince you to love me. Its not my position to stay here hoping you won't walk away. I took a chance letting you in. I'm taking an even bigger chance letting you go. I want to get back to us, but that can't happen until you figure out you. You care, but not enough. You're scared and hiding. Part of me still believes you, and I hope we will continue to prove them wrong, but for now its time for me to air out my wounds and test the seas. I'm letting you go. Don't cling to me as a memory from the past, because I want to be a part of your future. One day I will be your friend. I don't know if it will be anything more. Fight for me and we will see. Until then I will miss you, but I hope to miss you less. I hope you don't forget me. I hope you're right. This is a chance I'm willing to take, because no matter what happens next, we have to move forward.

You have so much a head of you. So much to find out about yourself, so much to achieve. I can't and won't let your journey hold me back. I will not cry because it's over. I will smile because it happened. If our paths cross again I will smile and remember all that you taught. How we grew in love and learned in life, about each other and about ourselves. I will never regret the time I had with you and if fate allows one day we may have a second chance. If not know that you held a special place in my heart and I am fortunate to have had you in my life.

With Hope.

Walk On

They say that you can't be whole until you find your 'other half.' I don't believe them, whoever they are. There is this long journey called life that we embarked on years and years ago and it would be sad to think that we've been missing a part of ourselves. The journey of the individual is not to find what we have never had. It is to discover what we are and always have been. People will always walk in and out of our lives. They will bring things to our journey and decorate the path with smiles and love and passion and tears and they will all teach us something in their own way. Some people will only stay temporarily but they are never lost because they have contributed to who we are to become. The people that no longer walk by us will
leave a hole for a while. We may even stop and stare at their fading footprints. Once the shock wares off we move forward to greater places and heavier things. The road was never meant to be smooth, and we usually don't have a map. The trick is to see the color through the hurt in our hearts and the water in our eyes. To remember we are not solitary creatures. The path we walk, skip, run, jump, and fly on is one we create to feel a connection with ourselves and with others. It is true that we need time to collect ourselves. To breathe, and sometimes we just need to be alone. This will pass - the hurt, the confusion, and everything else that looks like a blur in your mind. There is always much life to live beyond the walls of now. Smile
- Tomorrow has the potential to be a great day.

Listen

I haven't been taking care of my heart. It was already broken, but it seems I've been avoiding putting the pieces back together. I don't want it to be real, so I've let the pain linger in hopes that something may happen. I change constantly. One moment I'm ready to leave it all behind, but then I'm terrified. Terrified that when I walk on, I leave hope behind. Maybe thats not such a bad thing. But the 'what ifs' keep running circles in my head. What if he carries hope with him too? What if he's just scared? What if he finds someone else?

I know we're all replaceable, but the thought hurts so bad. I forget to turn it around. I am replaceable, but so is he. (Though it doesn't feel like it yet) Though we are replaceable, we are not replicable. I need to put him back in a box along with all the other memories I have of and with him. This box will be perfect. It will be full of happiness, and love, and pain, and a little bit of hope. The problem is I haven't found the lock to keep it closed. The problem is, I'm not looking. The problem is I know when I walk on, there is no coming back. Because all things are possible, I know there is a chance that it will come around. But the fact is, it isn't probable.

I haven't been taking care of my heart. I need to decide. I need to stop leading myself on. I need to be done with random acts of hopelessness. I need to choose, but I'm not ready yet.

Give me a reason.

Middle Ground

I'm walking a fine line between distance and disaster. It's a dangerous game to play, but for now it feels better than nothing at all. I'm attempting to live moment by moment with my hopeless dreams; knowing, unfortunately, that they are likely to fall apart. This probably isn't good for me. I should probably quite while I'm ahead. Why do we do things we know we might regret? "Jump first, fear later." But that's not even what I'm doing. Thats what the problem is. I'm playing it safe. I'm walking the middle ground and it weaves between high and low. Is it bad that I like it here? None of these paths seem more or less traveled, so maybe I'm doing okay? The high ground and low ground seem so definite and I can't take either with certainty. I'm testing out the waters here. I'm dwelling in doubt to find certainty. I may just be making things up to justify myself, but, for now, let the tight rope continue.

Strength of the Broken

Emmy is my age. He lives in Gulu, Uganda. I have never met him, and I probably never will. I know he has the ability to light up a room with his laughter. I also know he has been through the most challenging experiences life could ever give you. He was orphaned by AIDS five years ago because his family did not have sufficient access to medical care. He walked for 2 days every month to get pills for his mother. To support her as she had supported him. As she had supported her family.

When Emmy's mother Christine passed away Emmy spoke of family. He spoke of loneliness, of fear, of being broken. He had no one left. He had two older brothers, one older sister, and one younger brother, but no mother, or father. He felt as though he had lost his support system and it took a community to build what had been taken for him.

From Emmy I find inspiration. In his story there is strength and hope. More importantly there is gratitude. He reminded me of my family. My family I feel is falling apart. Sometimes I want to walk away to deal with my own problems, but this is my family and they need me, and I need them. This is life.

Love is Present

"With time you'll be a new soul and you'll be able to look back and not get stuck on it. instead you'll realize it was nice while it lasted. You will move on, you will have new memories with someone else. Don't compare memories and you'll be okay."

"Well i bet in your case it was true, but towards the end he just ranaway from it."

"I think love is always present.
People leave,
love doesn't.
Love is always there.
In fact i think you still love him. Jeff says he doesnt love you because he left it, he ran way from it, he stopped believing."

Anne is wise.

Something True

I think you've got me all wrong. But it's not your fault it's mine. I've not been myself lately. This face is my facade. Perhaps I'm only talking to myself. I do tend to think too much, but in case you're listening I thought I'd let you know. It's been a long few weeks, and I've found myself a little lost. I'm not sure what it is, but there is an eerie familiarity around here, and I'm not sure I like it. Here I find my secrets. They used to lay so quietly but now they scream to tell me something true.

They say to find yourself you must first loose yourself completely. That even when we don't know where we are, we are on journey. The thought frightens me, and grounds me. The unexpected will turn out better than I could ever expect. I know that, but I don't feel it. All I feel is my heart pumping in my chest. Sometimes it's so loud it hurts. Sometimes it's so soft I'm scared. I guess thats how you know you're alive. This subtle sadness, constant pain, wild fear, terrible loneliness, they are meant to strengthen us - prepare us even, for what comes next.

I know that, but I can't feel it yet.

It used to be so easy to see the upside. Now it feels like I'm breaking my neck to keep my chin up. I promised myself long ago I would always write with the purpose to inspire and enlighten. To give hope a name, even if it was just for myself. Hope got lost in these letters, and I think that is what I'm trying to find. So if I've been cold, or cruel, or distant, I'm sorry. It's all just in fear. I lied. I'm scared to, but everything else I said was true. As much as I claim to be rebuilding my walls and locking myself in, its just not possible anymore. I've been there before and the static sound of ruthless thoughts does nothing but break you.

So here I am. Raw and exposed, but at least I'm alive. There will be more let downs, more pain, more dishonesty, more truth, more hope, more love, and more experience."There is much life to be lived outside of these walls. Life that is not be be darkened by sad sighs of the past or worried glances of the future. Simply by taking hold of the glorious possibilities of the present and bringing them to action." - Me. I need to start taking my own advice again.

I'm getting back to now. Finding the person I want to become. I've forgotten to look for the colors of possibilities even in this estranged light. It's hard, but its necessary. Its bright and exciting. It's everything you want it to be, if you let it.

Flawed Logic

You can only let people influence you if you let them in. You can only let them touch your soul if you tear down your wall. My wall is down, but I want to build it taller and thicker than before because it feels like this wall is all I have. If its built strong enough it can protect me and it will never let me down. People, they let you down. They also help you, they also fix you, but they hurt you so bad. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going to miss some major opportunity, but I can't risk being let down again. Everyone has proved me right so far - people, they let you down. Promises - lies. Love - forget it, eventually it ends one way or another. So these are the truths I must now live with, but they are so sad, they make me cry.

So I'm closing myself off, and I'm scared, because I don't like being alone. And it hurts that there is no one to say goodbye to as I walk away. This is flawed logic. I realize this, but I don't know who to depend on. No one but myself. Even I let myself down, but at least I can give myself a reason. At least I fight for me. I am grateful for that, but this battle is so tiring. I'm starting to feel numb again. Looking around to nothing around. I'll keep helping. I'll keep supporting. I will be there for those in need, but I don't trust that anyone will stick around. I know that is flawed logic too, because people don't trust you if you don't trust them back.

Day by day? What's the point? I like the unexpected, but living so uncertain of everything? I guess thats reality?

I'm so lost right now I want to scream. I've been in and out of this place too many times in the past month or two. Tata would enjoy every moment of everyday but its like I don't even remember how because I'm too worried about everything falling apart.

I've been here before, I don't like this place.

These are the Holidays

As November draws to a close, I am forced to reflect the closing of fall and beginning of winter. Looking back at these lonely posts I feel a little bipolar. They are full of hope, love, anger and resentment. It's time for something in between. Thats were we should live right? In moderation with no depletion or excess. Always looking forward, never being complacent, but at least being content. I've lost that satisfaction in everyday things. I've forgotten to be grateful for every moment of everyday. I've lost track of how lucky I am.

This years thanksgiving was a time of reflection, and the past has not been so bright. There were more tears than food, and more arguments than conversations. The holidays seem to be caving without Tata. It was so hurtful seeing what he loved be butchered with sorrow. Its more than understandable that this family is still hurting, but I could help but think that Tata would be so hurt to see us like this. I'm sorry Tata, I'm doing my best. One day they'll remember again.

Effectively Empty Cliche

Don't be afraid to ask questions. Its scary not to know the answers but no one expects you to. You aren't alone. It's not because there is a boy that kisses you behind glass doors behind glass doors, it is because you alone have the power to be a part of something outside yourself. Remember you are small. Remember its okay to be a little lost and its okay to be a little scared. Thats life hun. One day someone else will write you this letter; until then, find comfort in your own words and remember how lucky you are to have so many people around you.

Just breathe. Things will turn out how they are meant to. Life is worth the risk, the challenge, and the heartbreak because now is all we have. Take full advantage of life, of every moment of everyday. Tomorrow will be dealt with and solved, but for now revel in the sunlight of this moment.

What's Next

This is the first step into the unexpected. The big picture, the future, it's all a blur, but it's so vibrant I can't help but smile. It's still scary as hell, and I don't know if I'm actually where I want to be, but I'm being pulled forward by an uncontrollable force. The only name I can give it is time. It moves past us, with us, by us, away from us, in lue of emotion and all we can do is use it to the best of our own advantage. "Enjoy every moment because every second we spend upset, sad, or anxious is a moment of happiness we can never regain." Life is a big, complicated, heartbreaking, passionate, exhilarating journey that is worth the pain and is worth the fight. So fight. Don't dwell on the confusion of heartbreak and look forward to the day love hits you in the face again. Most importantly, please don't be too afraid to let it back in.

pathetic.

It seems like yesterday you loved me
but I know its been a long time gone
Still tomorrow is coming
and i'll have to move on

This is so childish so weak
it pains me just to see,
but it seems its the only thing
that will just let me be.

I hate you for giving up
I hate you for letting go
You say you'll be back
But that day will never show.

I have to guard my heart now
build up that ugly wall
to keep you from getting in
just to watch me fall

I know you don't love me
I just don't know why
I do hope you're happy
I also hope you cry

I'm so glad I loved you
I'm so glad you were mine
but now I'm feeling empty
and all I do is hide

I don't know what's in tomorrow
but I do know I'll find
something better than today
and god I hope it doesn't rhyme

Someday someone will love me
Someday someone will care
Someday I'll be someone's everything
but I know you won't be there.

Fate Will Find Me

"Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you."

I don't believe he's coming back. I believe that he wants to believe he's coming back, but its not going to happen. I hope he proves me wrong. I hope he fights for me like he said he would. I hope he'll love me again, but that is completely out of my hands. The only thing I can do it hope.

I know I have a beautiful life with beautiful people in it and the most incredible experiences ahead of me. I love him, and I hope I can be his friend and I hope we can still be a part of each others journey because I am so excited to see what happens for him next. I'm not giving myself false hope. I'm not going to wait by the phone and try to make him love me again. If he doesn't end up loving me as much as I love him, he isn't worth falling apart again. However, for being with me through so much and for helping me grow into who I am today, he is worth keeping in my life. I am glad I gave him my heart. I am glad and lucky and blessed to have fallen in love with him. I would not be the same person had I not taken a chance on him.

Now it is time for greater places and heavier things. It is time to jump first and fear later. I'm hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst. I will love life and continue to be the person I am becoming. I am who I've been waiting for. Beyond the pain and the heartbreak you will see that love is an experience and you are lucky to have been in it. Love is amazing and fate will find me where ever I go.

Remember This

Truth:

"If the tables were turned he wouldn't have to do anything to get you back because you love him so much, so why would you have to do anything to get him back?"

"There is either something that is getting in the way that is making him think he doesn't love or he doesn't love you anymore."

"If he figures out that he made a mistake and that he loves you as much as you love him he will come back to you without you being his friend."

Hope and Tears

I'm not entirely sure where to begin. I'm not entirely sure what happened. He let me go, but I didn't want to leave. I don't want to leave, and life just doesn't feel the same. I'm had three really great days with new friends that have comforted me and made me laugh, but I couldn't get him off my mind. I never stop thinking about him. He used to make every smile, every laugh, every breathe a little more enjoyable. The world looked a little brighter when I could call him and hear that he loved me. What happened? The world isn't as dark as I thought it would be without him, but it still pales in comparison to the colors he put in my day.

I'll be his friend-his best friend, but I want to be his world again, because he's still mine.. I'll be his friend in hopes that one day we will be laughing together and he will feel my love again. The only thing he will be able to do is look in my eyes and kiss me like he's missed me for a million years. I just want to hold him. Everyday thats thats the only thing I want. I want to run my fingers throw his hair and feel his heartbeat again. I can't explain it. I have hope, but I'm so scared he's going to love being my friend, more than being my everything.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love

Symposium

The Greeks used myths to explain those things that could not be explained. From the creation of the world, to the formation of oceans, the creation of mankind, and their relationship with the gods, myths provide an explanation to the unknown. Aristophanes' speech focuses on the creation of man, and the creation of love. Though his myth is not based in reality, the metaphor he creates for love has been the same through all of time. "'Love' is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete.” (Symposium 29) We can relate to this idea of love because there are aspects of love that do make us feel complete, wanted, needed, cherished, and appreciated. This ‘love’ doesn’t have to be from another individual. There are people that never fall in love, but still feel complete because they have found purpose in their life, and in that purpose there is love. It is important to find this purpose and to be passionate about life.

I am not entirely convinced in the concept of the ‘other half,’ but love, I believe, can make you more whole. Love of any kind can add to an individual’s life in ways never expected. When one is ‘in love’ it involves setting down your guard to discover yourself, to discover others, and to discover life in an entirely new perspective.

Naked as We Came

There is so much that I should have said before this, but as always I write in my own time of need and not for that of others. Selfish. Pathetic. Ridiculous. Yea I've been over all that in my head, but it's the only think left to do today. I have forgotten place, but it consumed me today. I sat and cried this morning and then some more this afternoon and I'm almost positive that I'm not done. I have this awful feeling. The one you used to have the first day you walked into high school in a new town. Not knowing anyone and swearing that the entire world is against you. Actually people remind me that I am in the fact the only one that has this continual feeling but I don't see how thats true. At this moment for example, I know I'm wrong but I swear that all the people I live with would rather not have me around. They give me the courtesy of asking if want to join them, but only in extreme reluctance. Not that I could even attempt to today, but it's not the time to ruin the fun for anyone else. I'm the ugly grey cloud at the party. I can't smile and it makes my stomach hurt. I hate this person and in this mood and I know that this is now how I am thought of. The sad girl that sits in her room and cries. The progressively ridiculous side of me even thinks the laughter in the hallway is about me but that would be giving myself all to much credit.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I feel lost and abandoned. I'm hardly indestructible today and I can't find the strength to pull myself up. I really need someone to talk to, but saying all this out loud makes it seem even more ridiculous. I have so much but all I want is someone to talk to. I feel like I'm not helping anything right now. Like I'm taking up space in my own room.