I'm not entirely sure where to begin. I'm not entirely sure what happened. He let me go, but I didn't want to leave. I don't want to leave, and life just doesn't feel the same. I'm had three really great days with new friends that have comforted me and made me laugh, but I couldn't get him off my mind. I never stop thinking about him. He used to make every smile, every laugh, every breathe a little more enjoyable. The world looked a little brighter when I could call him and hear that he loved me. What happened? The world isn't as dark as I thought it would be without him, but it still pales in comparison to the colors he put in my day.
I'll be his friend-his best friend, but I want to be his world again, because he's still mine.. I'll be his friend in hopes that one day we will be laughing together and he will feel my love again. The only thing he will be able to do is look in my eyes and kiss me like he's missed me for a million years. I just want to hold him. Everyday thats thats the only thing I want. I want to run my fingers throw his hair and feel his heartbeat again. I can't explain it. I have hope, but I'm so scared he's going to love being my friend, more than being my everything.
Adele - Make You Feel My Love
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
Symposium
The Greeks used myths to explain those things that could not be explained. From the creation of the world, to the formation of oceans, the creation of mankind, and their relationship with the gods, myths provide an explanation to the unknown. Aristophanes' speech focuses on the creation of man, and the creation of love. Though his myth is not based in reality, the metaphor he creates for love has been the same through all of time. "'Love' is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete.” (Symposium 29) We can relate to this idea of love because there are aspects of love that do make us feel complete, wanted, needed, cherished, and appreciated. This ‘love’ doesn’t have to be from another individual. There are people that never fall in love, but still feel complete because they have found purpose in their life, and in that purpose there is love. It is important to find this purpose and to be passionate about life.
I am not entirely convinced in the concept of the ‘other half,’ but love, I believe, can make you more whole. Love of any kind can add to an individual’s life in ways never expected. When one is ‘in love’ it involves setting down your guard to discover yourself, to discover others, and to discover life in an entirely new perspective.
I am not entirely convinced in the concept of the ‘other half,’ but love, I believe, can make you more whole. Love of any kind can add to an individual’s life in ways never expected. When one is ‘in love’ it involves setting down your guard to discover yourself, to discover others, and to discover life in an entirely new perspective.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Naked as We Came
There is so much that I should have said before this, but as always I write in my own time of need and not for that of others. Selfish. Pathetic. Ridiculous. Yea I've been over all that in my head, but it's the only think left to do today. I have forgotten place, but it consumed me today. I sat and cried this morning and then some more this afternoon and I'm almost positive that I'm not done. I have this awful feeling. The one you used to have the first day you walked into high school in a new town. Not knowing anyone and swearing that the entire world is against you. Actually people remind me that I am in the fact the only one that has this continual feeling but I don't see how thats true. At this moment for example, I know I'm wrong but I swear that all the people I live with would rather not have me around. They give me the courtesy of asking if want to join them, but only in extreme reluctance. Not that I could even attempt to today, but it's not the time to ruin the fun for anyone else. I'm the ugly grey cloud at the party. I can't smile and it makes my stomach hurt. I hate this person and in this mood and I know that this is now how I am thought of. The sad girl that sits in her room and cries. The progressively ridiculous side of me even thinks the laughter in the hallway is about me but that would be giving myself all to much credit.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I feel lost and abandoned. I'm hardly indestructible today and I can't find the strength to pull myself up. I really need someone to talk to, but saying all this out loud makes it seem even more ridiculous. I have so much but all I want is someone to talk to. I feel like I'm not helping anything right now. Like I'm taking up space in my own room.
I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I feel lost and abandoned. I'm hardly indestructible today and I can't find the strength to pull myself up. I really need someone to talk to, but saying all this out loud makes it seem even more ridiculous. I have so much but all I want is someone to talk to. I feel like I'm not helping anything right now. Like I'm taking up space in my own room.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Sigues Luchando
Diversity is a long string of differences that connects the human race; it joins together the individuals of the global community to defy all odds. Our generation has the challenge and the privilege of joining this community together to change history as we know it. As I continue to learn about the vast world we live in I discover the beauty, the strength, and the compassion that prevails over hardship, and injustice. The power of these virtues comes from embracing diversity. We are not solitary creatures. My experience as a leader has shown me the power of diversity and as a member of the SMLI I hope to grow as a leader and an individual by listening to more stories, being humbled by the human experiences of others, and asking questions to figure out who I am and what my role is in effectively changing history as we know it.
In 2008 I began the Invisible Children Chapter at Palm Springs High School with the goal of bring together students under one common goal. Our school had been through so much loss, and I wanted to show my peers that there was life beyond the hard cold walls of high school. That there is life to be lived and people to help, and a world that is yet to be discovered. My small group of five grew to a group of 20. We all came from different backgrounds. We were all labeled with different stereotypes. Statistics show that we were never meant to be friends, and yet we became part of a movement, and the only way we could do so was by making our differences our strengths. Together we raised $18,000 and sent 1,000 books to support students in Gulu, Uganda. Our greatest accomplishment however, was one none of us could have foreseen.
On April 25, 2009, I abducted myself from society and tied myself to 2,000 strangers. United we marched for three miles with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a few writing utensils at hand. We marched to symbolize the thousands of children in Northern Uganda who had been abducted from their homes by a man named Joseph Kony to become child soldiers. We marched in hopes to feel a connection with them — to get a glimpse of their lives, no matter how small. We marched to tell the world their story — to tell the world we would not back down until they were rescued.
During the Rescue Event we became closer as a group to the thousands of strangers around us. We knew little about each other, but out of our diversity we found a connection to the people that shared with us one common bound. The compassion we felt for the people living through a 23 year long civil war in Uganda, and the passion we had to see it all come to an end. Even more incredible to me was the uprising of hope that was felt that evening. Thousands of us joined together to help people we don't know and may never meet. But they are our equals. They are citizens of the world and as such they deserve the support of the global community. No matter what culture, age, sex, race, sexual orientation, background, etc, I believe everyone is a part of this community. It became real to me in that moment. The movement we are a part of is a catalyst for change. "The impossible is just a dare." -Orion Pahl, IC Representative. Diversity holds us together and will continues to do so as we fight for human rights, and as we better the world.
I am reminded daily about the people living in Uganda. Humbled by their strength and endurance. I am reminded that I am small in an enormous world, but in that minuteness I find the courage and motivation to join together the power of diversity to do great things. During SMLI I will learn from the experiences of other leaders and hope to gain new perspectives on how to detach myself emotionally from conflict while still being productive enough to work through them. I will continuously work to reach past cultural divides to support my community as they have supported me.
"Sigues luchando." Keep fighting. These were the last words of my grandfather. He taught me that life is the most marvoulous fight one will encounter. He taught me that the beauty of life comes fromt he people you keep in it. A full life is one full of diversity, respect, compassion, passion, and endless curiosty. All these things I can bring to SMLI. As a leader in my school and community I have encountered many faces with many stories. I have learned more from them then they could ever learn from me, but it is my hope that I have touched their lives as they have touched mine. Thank you for the opportunity to be a part of your program.
In 2008 I began the Invisible Children Chapter at Palm Springs High School with the goal of bring together students under one common goal. Our school had been through so much loss, and I wanted to show my peers that there was life beyond the hard cold walls of high school. That there is life to be lived and people to help, and a world that is yet to be discovered. My small group of five grew to a group of 20. We all came from different backgrounds. We were all labeled with different stereotypes. Statistics show that we were never meant to be friends, and yet we became part of a movement, and the only way we could do so was by making our differences our strengths. Together we raised $18,000 and sent 1,000 books to support students in Gulu, Uganda. Our greatest accomplishment however, was one none of us could have foreseen.
On April 25, 2009, I abducted myself from society and tied myself to 2,000 strangers. United we marched for three miles with nothing but the clothes on our backs and a few writing utensils at hand. We marched to symbolize the thousands of children in Northern Uganda who had been abducted from their homes by a man named Joseph Kony to become child soldiers. We marched in hopes to feel a connection with them — to get a glimpse of their lives, no matter how small. We marched to tell the world their story — to tell the world we would not back down until they were rescued.
During the Rescue Event we became closer as a group to the thousands of strangers around us. We knew little about each other, but out of our diversity we found a connection to the people that shared with us one common bound. The compassion we felt for the people living through a 23 year long civil war in Uganda, and the passion we had to see it all come to an end. Even more incredible to me was the uprising of hope that was felt that evening. Thousands of us joined together to help people we don't know and may never meet. But they are our equals. They are citizens of the world and as such they deserve the support of the global community. No matter what culture, age, sex, race, sexual orientation, background, etc, I believe everyone is a part of this community. It became real to me in that moment. The movement we are a part of is a catalyst for change. "The impossible is just a dare." -Orion Pahl, IC Representative. Diversity holds us together and will continues to do so as we fight for human rights, and as we better the world.
I am reminded daily about the people living in Uganda. Humbled by their strength and endurance. I am reminded that I am small in an enormous world, but in that minuteness I find the courage and motivation to join together the power of diversity to do great things. During SMLI I will learn from the experiences of other leaders and hope to gain new perspectives on how to detach myself emotionally from conflict while still being productive enough to work through them. I will continuously work to reach past cultural divides to support my community as they have supported me.
"Sigues luchando." Keep fighting. These were the last words of my grandfather. He taught me that life is the most marvoulous fight one will encounter. He taught me that the beauty of life comes fromt he people you keep in it. A full life is one full of diversity, respect, compassion, passion, and endless curiosty. All these things I can bring to SMLI. As a leader in my school and community I have encountered many faces with many stories. I have learned more from them then they could ever learn from me, but it is my hope that I have touched their lives as they have touched mine. Thank you for the opportunity to be a part of your program.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Questions
For months I've been fighting to help end poverty in Africa. To stop the civil war in Uganda and bring peace to a nation, to it's people, to the children that have never seen peace. This is not that country. This is a world all of it's own. One desperate to separate itself from the Africa I know and adore.
This Africa is brilliant in it's own way, and strong beyond belief. It is only in its beginning stages of change. Still unconsciously pulling away from the discomfort change can turn. Apartheid ended only years back,and I can only imagine that this is what the states were like after the civil rights movement. Here people with darker skin are still called 'colored' and there is a difference between 'colored' and 'black' Perhaps I'm just not used to the lingo, but I still get a strange feeling when I hear it.
The townships were a glimpse into the Africa I know. Small metal homes, cold, dark and dangerous. With an air of hope in the smile of a child, and a heartbreaking plea for help in tired face of his mother. There places with over 4.5 million people are out of site and out of mind. With such a strength of wealth between the poor and the middle class, the crime rate rises, and the education falters, because everyone is too afraid, or overwhelmed, to help 'them.' The government is beginning to help, but all too slow. For every 20 homes they build, 100 are torn down. It seems to be a half hearted effort for a well adapted problem. The 20 families living in those homes have the incentive to live better and strive for a better life because they are forced to get a job and stay at a certain income to pay for utilities, but what happens to those other 80? Displaced? Forgotten? The healthy alternative is a stronger emphasis on the school system. It could be a reach, but the out comes with huge advantages. Education, knowledge, the true fruits of growth, could change the entire world. The wisdom that comes with an open mind, the simple thought that there is more to know than that which is known at this present time. The humbling thought that comes to me and hopefully even to those millions of people in the townships and the displacement camps, that there is more to life than this moment. More to life than this place, than this time. Change. The possibilities inside even the small spaces of our personal universe that have yet to be discovered. Should those places in our hearts and minds be changed before the place where we lay our head? Do these places work dependently? Does one have to change before the other? Which one?
I can not wait for the day that these townships and the displacements camps in Uganda become memorials of the world we once lived. A place never to be seen again.
(Des and Luke want to be in the blog so here they are. They are from Ireland, and play rugby. Yes the rugby rule applies.)
This Africa is brilliant in it's own way, and strong beyond belief. It is only in its beginning stages of change. Still unconsciously pulling away from the discomfort change can turn. Apartheid ended only years back,and I can only imagine that this is what the states were like after the civil rights movement. Here people with darker skin are still called 'colored' and there is a difference between 'colored' and 'black' Perhaps I'm just not used to the lingo, but I still get a strange feeling when I hear it.
The townships were a glimpse into the Africa I know. Small metal homes, cold, dark and dangerous. With an air of hope in the smile of a child, and a heartbreaking plea for help in tired face of his mother. There places with over 4.5 million people are out of site and out of mind. With such a strength of wealth between the poor and the middle class, the crime rate rises, and the education falters, because everyone is too afraid, or overwhelmed, to help 'them.' The government is beginning to help, but all too slow. For every 20 homes they build, 100 are torn down. It seems to be a half hearted effort for a well adapted problem. The 20 families living in those homes have the incentive to live better and strive for a better life because they are forced to get a job and stay at a certain income to pay for utilities, but what happens to those other 80? Displaced? Forgotten? The healthy alternative is a stronger emphasis on the school system. It could be a reach, but the out comes with huge advantages. Education, knowledge, the true fruits of growth, could change the entire world. The wisdom that comes with an open mind, the simple thought that there is more to know than that which is known at this present time. The humbling thought that comes to me and hopefully even to those millions of people in the townships and the displacement camps, that there is more to life than this moment. More to life than this place, than this time. Change. The possibilities inside even the small spaces of our personal universe that have yet to be discovered. Should those places in our hearts and minds be changed before the place where we lay our head? Do these places work dependently? Does one have to change before the other? Which one?
I can not wait for the day that these townships and the displacements camps in Uganda become memorials of the world we once lived. A place never to be seen again.
(Des and Luke want to be in the blog so here they are. They are from Ireland, and play rugby. Yes the rugby rule applies.)
Friday, May 8, 2009
Tribute
I've had the privileged of living my life with Tata. Privileged that I've had time to learn from him throughout my few years, and even more in the past few days. His words have made me smile and cry and learn to live the rest of my life more full of life than I would have had I not known him to be the man he is. His strength, his love, his passion for life is incredible. These qualities that he has shown us are now qualities we must live to continue his memory. This along with the memory of his laugh and his smile are the greatest gifts he could given us.
Our journey is not over. We continue to exist and we must fill our existence with what he has taught us. The two most important things he told me in his last days were, one, that education is much more than books and information; it is about the passion that come through the process of discovering new things and what we do with that information to help other people. The second is that we must always laugh and always smile because that is what keeps us young. He also emphasized family. Without family we are alone, but with family we will never be alone. There are so many things I have learned from Tata. All of them give the the reassurance that life is good and that there are incredible things that have yet to happen. Tata, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you and how much you have influenced my life. "Siges luchando." These were the last words Tata told me. La vida es una lucha grande y maraviosa. Una lucha que Tata le encanto y que nosotrs debemos continuir.
Our journey is not over. We continue to exist and we must fill our existence with what he has taught us. The two most important things he told me in his last days were, one, that education is much more than books and information; it is about the passion that come through the process of discovering new things and what we do with that information to help other people. The second is that we must always laugh and always smile because that is what keeps us young. He also emphasized family. Without family we are alone, but with family we will never be alone. There are so many things I have learned from Tata. All of them give the the reassurance that life is good and that there are incredible things that have yet to happen. Tata, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you and how much you have influenced my life. "Siges luchando." These were the last words Tata told me. La vida es una lucha grande y maraviosa. Una lucha que Tata le encanto y que nosotrs debemos continuir.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Comforting the Nonexistent
There is not a lot to say to comfort a person when they know someone they love is going to die, but it seems there is even less to say to an atheist. I've been to far to many worship services and prayer circles in the past few days. Countless times I've been told that 'things are in Gods hands.' They tell stories of heaven and hell. Places I had forgotten people truly believed existed. Places that are fantasy lands to me. Places that, for me, my grandfather will not go. I am glad the idea that he will raise up to the clouds and live again eternally is comforting to him and to the rest of my family, but it left me empty. Feeling guilty and alone through the passage of sorrow. How do you comfort an atheist at the time of death? When the only life we live for is ending, when the moment of nonexistence is again to return, what is left to comfort us?
Nonexistence.
It was difficult for me to understand at first, but that is what we have. We have everything in our belief of nothingness. There is so much beauty in the simple belief that we are born, that we live, and that one day, we die. There is wonder and mystery in everything in between existence and non existence. There is much life to be lived, and much love to be remembered for those of us still living. I asked my friend to console me without mention of God or the afterlife. Something that would make sense when it felt like things were falling apart. This is what he told me -
"Nonexistence isn't a terrible thing to conceive of. We were dead a long time before we were born and it didn't hurt a bit. Besides, admitting that someone no longer exists makes the time they spent with us seem more precious." -Andrew Blinkinsop
I've had the privileged of living my life with Tata. Privileged that I've had time to learn from him throughout my few years, and even more in the past few days. His words that were once unending are numbered now, but I have gotten so much out of the last few. Breathes that have made me smile and cry and learn to live the rest of my life more full of life than I would have had I not known him to be the man he is. His strength, his love, his passion for life is incredible. These qualities that he has shown us are now qualities we must live to continue his memory. This along with the memory of his laugh and his smile are the greatest gifts he could give as he ends his journey.
Our journey is not over. We continue to exist and we must fill our existence with what he has taught us. Las dos cosas mas importantes que me a decido en estos dias son que educacion es muchos mas de libros y informacion, es la passion que biene con la procesa de discubrier nuvas cosos y lo que haces con esa informacion para ayudad a otras persons. La secunda es que siempre debemos reir y sonreir porque eso es lo que nos deja joben. Tambien enfatica la familia. Sin la familia estamos solos, pero con la familia, nunca vamos a estar solos. Ay tantas cosas que yo a aprendido de Tata. Dodas me dan la seguridad que la vida es buena y ay muchos cosas increibles que todavia no an pasado. Tata nunca voy a poder dicer te quanto te amo y quanto me as influido mi vida.
"The soles of our shoes are all worn down. The time to sleep is now. It's nothing to cry about. We'll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms. If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied. Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, I will follow you into the dark." -Deathcab for Cutie
Tata has lived more and seen more than most people do in a lifetime. His body is worn, but his spirit like his love will endure until the very end. He may not live eternally behind pearly gates, but he will be much more alive in the love I have for him, the love I will spread in his name, and the love that will continue to grow once I pass because I will have told the story of his life
to those who I love as he loves me.
Goodnight Tata, Te amo con todo me corazon y voy a continuir a amar te y amar la vida como usted.
Nonexistence.
It was difficult for me to understand at first, but that is what we have. We have everything in our belief of nothingness. There is so much beauty in the simple belief that we are born, that we live, and that one day, we die. There is wonder and mystery in everything in between existence and non existence. There is much life to be lived, and much love to be remembered for those of us still living. I asked my friend to console me without mention of God or the afterlife. Something that would make sense when it felt like things were falling apart. This is what he told me -
"Nonexistence isn't a terrible thing to conceive of. We were dead a long time before we were born and it didn't hurt a bit. Besides, admitting that someone no longer exists makes the time they spent with us seem more precious." -Andrew Blinkinsop
I've had the privileged of living my life with Tata. Privileged that I've had time to learn from him throughout my few years, and even more in the past few days. His words that were once unending are numbered now, but I have gotten so much out of the last few. Breathes that have made me smile and cry and learn to live the rest of my life more full of life than I would have had I not known him to be the man he is. His strength, his love, his passion for life is incredible. These qualities that he has shown us are now qualities we must live to continue his memory. This along with the memory of his laugh and his smile are the greatest gifts he could give as he ends his journey.
Our journey is not over. We continue to exist and we must fill our existence with what he has taught us. Las dos cosas mas importantes que me a decido en estos dias son que educacion es muchos mas de libros y informacion, es la passion que biene con la procesa de discubrier nuvas cosos y lo que haces con esa informacion para ayudad a otras persons. La secunda es que siempre debemos reir y sonreir porque eso es lo que nos deja joben. Tambien enfatica la familia. Sin la familia estamos solos, pero con la familia, nunca vamos a estar solos. Ay tantas cosas que yo a aprendido de Tata. Dodas me dan la seguridad que la vida es buena y ay muchos cosas increibles que todavia no an pasado. Tata nunca voy a poder dicer te quanto te amo y quanto me as influido mi vida.
"The soles of our shoes are all worn down. The time to sleep is now. It's nothing to cry about. We'll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms. If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied. Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, I will follow you into the dark." -Deathcab for Cutie
Tata has lived more and seen more than most people do in a lifetime. His body is worn, but his spirit like his love will endure until the very end. He may not live eternally behind pearly gates, but he will be much more alive in the love I have for him, the love I will spread in his name, and the love that will continue to grow once I pass because I will have told the story of his life
to those who I love as he loves me.
Goodnight Tata, Te amo con todo me corazon y voy a continuir a amar te y amar la vida como usted.
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