What's Next

This is the first step into the unexpected. The big picture, the future, it's all a blur, but it's so vibrant I can't help but smile. It's still scary as hell, and I don't know if I'm actually where I want to be, but I'm being pulled forward by an uncontrollable force. The only name I can give it is time. It moves past us, with us, by us, away from us, in lue of emotion and all we can do is use it to the best of our own advantage. "Enjoy every moment because every second we spend upset, sad, or anxious is a moment of happiness we can never regain." Life is a big, complicated, heartbreaking, passionate, exhilarating journey that is worth the pain and is worth the fight. So fight. Don't dwell on the confusion of heartbreak and look forward to the day love hits you in the face again. Most importantly, please don't be too afraid to let it back in.

pathetic.

It seems like yesterday you loved me
but I know its been a long time gone
Still tomorrow is coming
and i'll have to move on

This is so childish so weak
it pains me just to see,
but it seems its the only thing
that will just let me be.

I hate you for giving up
I hate you for letting go
You say you'll be back
But that day will never show.

I have to guard my heart now
build up that ugly wall
to keep you from getting in
just to watch me fall

I know you don't love me
I just don't know why
I do hope you're happy
I also hope you cry

I'm so glad I loved you
I'm so glad you were mine
but now I'm feeling empty
and all I do is hide

I don't know what's in tomorrow
but I do know I'll find
something better than today
and god I hope it doesn't rhyme

Someday someone will love me
Someday someone will care
Someday I'll be someone's everything
but I know you won't be there.

Fate Will Find Me

"Hope guides me. It is what gets me through the day and especially the night. The hope that after you're gone from my sight it will not be the last time I look upon you."

I don't believe he's coming back. I believe that he wants to believe he's coming back, but its not going to happen. I hope he proves me wrong. I hope he fights for me like he said he would. I hope he'll love me again, but that is completely out of my hands. The only thing I can do it hope.

I know I have a beautiful life with beautiful people in it and the most incredible experiences ahead of me. I love him, and I hope I can be his friend and I hope we can still be a part of each others journey because I am so excited to see what happens for him next. I'm not giving myself false hope. I'm not going to wait by the phone and try to make him love me again. If he doesn't end up loving me as much as I love him, he isn't worth falling apart again. However, for being with me through so much and for helping me grow into who I am today, he is worth keeping in my life. I am glad I gave him my heart. I am glad and lucky and blessed to have fallen in love with him. I would not be the same person had I not taken a chance on him.

Now it is time for greater places and heavier things. It is time to jump first and fear later. I'm hoping for the best, and preparing for the worst. I will love life and continue to be the person I am becoming. I am who I've been waiting for. Beyond the pain and the heartbreak you will see that love is an experience and you are lucky to have been in it. Love is amazing and fate will find me where ever I go.

Remember This

Truth:

"If the tables were turned he wouldn't have to do anything to get you back because you love him so much, so why would you have to do anything to get him back?"

"There is either something that is getting in the way that is making him think he doesn't love or he doesn't love you anymore."

"If he figures out that he made a mistake and that he loves you as much as you love him he will come back to you without you being his friend."

Hope and Tears

I'm not entirely sure where to begin. I'm not entirely sure what happened. He let me go, but I didn't want to leave. I don't want to leave, and life just doesn't feel the same. I'm had three really great days with new friends that have comforted me and made me laugh, but I couldn't get him off my mind. I never stop thinking about him. He used to make every smile, every laugh, every breathe a little more enjoyable. The world looked a little brighter when I could call him and hear that he loved me. What happened? The world isn't as dark as I thought it would be without him, but it still pales in comparison to the colors he put in my day.

I'll be his friend-his best friend, but I want to be his world again, because he's still mine.. I'll be his friend in hopes that one day we will be laughing together and he will feel my love again. The only thing he will be able to do is look in my eyes and kiss me like he's missed me for a million years. I just want to hold him. Everyday thats thats the only thing I want. I want to run my fingers throw his hair and feel his heartbeat again. I can't explain it. I have hope, but I'm so scared he's going to love being my friend, more than being my everything.

Adele - Make You Feel My Love

Symposium

The Greeks used myths to explain those things that could not be explained. From the creation of the world, to the formation of oceans, the creation of mankind, and their relationship with the gods, myths provide an explanation to the unknown. Aristophanes' speech focuses on the creation of man, and the creation of love. Though his myth is not based in reality, the metaphor he creates for love has been the same through all of time. "'Love' is the name for our pursuit of wholeness, for our desire to be complete.” (Symposium 29) We can relate to this idea of love because there are aspects of love that do make us feel complete, wanted, needed, cherished, and appreciated. This ‘love’ doesn’t have to be from another individual. There are people that never fall in love, but still feel complete because they have found purpose in their life, and in that purpose there is love. It is important to find this purpose and to be passionate about life.

I am not entirely convinced in the concept of the ‘other half,’ but love, I believe, can make you more whole. Love of any kind can add to an individual’s life in ways never expected. When one is ‘in love’ it involves setting down your guard to discover yourself, to discover others, and to discover life in an entirely new perspective.

Naked as We Came

There is so much that I should have said before this, but as always I write in my own time of need and not for that of others. Selfish. Pathetic. Ridiculous. Yea I've been over all that in my head, but it's the only think left to do today. I have forgotten place, but it consumed me today. I sat and cried this morning and then some more this afternoon and I'm almost positive that I'm not done. I have this awful feeling. The one you used to have the first day you walked into high school in a new town. Not knowing anyone and swearing that the entire world is against you. Actually people remind me that I am in the fact the only one that has this continual feeling but I don't see how thats true. At this moment for example, I know I'm wrong but I swear that all the people I live with would rather not have me around. They give me the courtesy of asking if want to join them, but only in extreme reluctance. Not that I could even attempt to today, but it's not the time to ruin the fun for anyone else. I'm the ugly grey cloud at the party. I can't smile and it makes my stomach hurt. I hate this person and in this mood and I know that this is now how I am thought of. The sad girl that sits in her room and cries. The progressively ridiculous side of me even thinks the laughter in the hallway is about me but that would be giving myself all to much credit.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I feel lost and abandoned. I'm hardly indestructible today and I can't find the strength to pull myself up. I really need someone to talk to, but saying all this out loud makes it seem even more ridiculous. I have so much but all I want is someone to talk to. I feel like I'm not helping anything right now. Like I'm taking up space in my own room.