Tribute

I've had the privileged of living my life with Tata. Privileged that I've had time to learn from him throughout my few years, and even more in the past few days. His words have made me smile and cry and learn to live the rest of my life more full of life than I would have had I not known him to be the man he is. His strength, his love, his passion for life is incredible. These qualities that he has shown us are now qualities we must live to continue his memory. This along with the memory of his laugh and his smile are the greatest gifts he could given us.

Our journey is not over. We continue to exist and we must fill our existence with what he has taught us. The two most important things he told me in his last days were, one, that education is much more than books and information; it is about the passion that come through the process of discovering new things and what we do with that information to help other people. The second is that we must always laugh and always smile because that is what keeps us young. He also emphasized family. Without family we are alone, but with family we will never be alone. There are so many things I have learned from Tata. All of them give the the reassurance that life is good and that there are incredible things that have yet to happen. Tata, I will never be able to tell you how much I love you and how much you have influenced my life. "Siges luchando." These were the last words Tata told me. La vida es una lucha grande y maraviosa. Una lucha que Tata le encanto y que nosotrs debemos continuir.

Comforting the Nonexistent

There is not a lot to say to comfort a person when they know someone they love is going to die, but it seems there is even less to say to an atheist. I've been to far to many worship services and prayer circles in the past few days. Countless times I've been told that 'things are in Gods hands.' They tell stories of heaven and hell. Places I had forgotten people truly believed existed. Places that are fantasy lands to me. Places that, for me, my grandfather will not go. I am glad the idea that he will raise up to the clouds and live again eternally is comforting to him and to the rest of my family, but it left me empty. Feeling guilty and alone through the passage of sorrow. How do you comfort an atheist at the time of death? When the only life we live for is ending, when the moment of nonexistence is again to return, what is left to comfort us?

Nonexistence.

It was difficult for me to understand at first, but that is what we have. We have everything in our belief of nothingness. There is so much beauty in the simple belief that we are born, that we live, and that one day, we die. There is wonder and mystery in everything in between existence and non existence. There is much life to be lived, and much love to be remembered for those of us still living. I asked my friend to console me without mention of God or the afterlife. Something that would make sense when it felt like things were falling apart. This is what he told me -

"Nonexistence isn't a terrible thing to conceive of. We were dead a long time before we were born and it didn't hurt a bit. Besides, admitting that someone no longer exists makes the time they spent with us seem more precious." -Andrew Blinkinsop

I've had the privileged of living my life with Tata. Privileged that I've had time to learn from him throughout my few years, and even more in the past few days. His words that were once unending are numbered now, but I have gotten so much out of the last few. Breathes that have made me smile and cry and learn to live the rest of my life more full of life than I would have had I not known him to be the man he is. His strength, his love, his passion for life is incredible. These qualities that he has shown us are now qualities we must live to continue his memory. This along with the memory of his laugh and his smile are the greatest gifts he could give as he ends his journey.

Our journey is not over. We continue to exist and we must fill our existence with what he has taught us. Las dos cosas mas importantes que me a decido en estos dias son que educacion es muchos mas de libros y informacion, es la passion que biene con la procesa de discubrier nuvas cosos y lo que haces con esa informacion para ayudad a otras persons. La secunda es que siempre debemos reir y sonreir porque eso es lo que nos deja joben. Tambien enfatica la familia. Sin la familia estamos solos, pero con la familia, nunca vamos a estar solos. Ay tantas cosas que yo a aprendido de Tata. Dodas me dan la seguridad que la vida es buena y ay muchos cosas increibles que todavia no an pasado. Tata nunca voy a poder dicer te quanto te amo y quanto me as influido mi vida.

"The soles of our shoes are all worn down. The time to sleep is now. It's nothing to cry about. We'll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms. If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied. Illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, I will follow you into the dark." -Deathcab for Cutie

Tata has lived more and seen more than most people do in a lifetime. His body is worn, but his spirit like his love will endure until the very end. He may not live eternally behind pearly gates, but he will be much more alive in the love I have for him, the love I will spread in his name, and the love that will continue to grow once I pass because I will have told the story of his life
to those who I love as he loves me.

Goodnight Tata, Te amo con todo me corazon y voy a continuir a amar te y amar la vida como usted.

Sony Ericcson

I lost my phone this morning, and I fell into tear. I felt so disconnected and unsure. This chaos of a world is getting to me. The me I no longer remember is showing herself in this madness. The me that couldn't coupe. The stressed, the sad, the weary, the weak. I loath that person. Directionless, and lost. I've been running in circles physically and mentally, trying to remember were I left the three inch piece of plastic that was holding me together- connected to an outside world. It should be humbling to know that the day will continue on without my texts or phone calls, but it's not the world I am at all concerned about. I'm trying to be part of this great thing that is so much bigger than myself. Yet I find myself feeling useless and out of place. A let down if you will. So many eyes waiting for my next move. Asking me 'What can we do?" It's not in me to tell them, "I do not know." That ridiculous invention- the cellular device- was my small life line where I could say "help keep me together." I could say my deepest thoughts so quickly I could discard them in moments. It allowed me seconds to breathe and to smile.

This is not meant to be an ode do my beloved. It is a reflection on myself. What defines me? Through mounting chaos, excitement, and responsibility, I hope it will not be a small screen with buttons and numbers. Something so trivial, and impersonal. There is a world bigger than myself and wider than the connections of phone lines can reach. In that concept I find strength. In my path are disappointed faces, and demanding eyes. I make it a point today to look past that and into myself to find the person I have become.

A glimpse of the person I left behind haunted me today. Telling me I was inadequate. That I was not to make progress, and that I should not try at all. I know better. I may not be superswomen, but I am coming to The Rescue. There is much life to be lived outside of these walls. Life that is not be be darkened by sad sighs of the past or worried glances of the future. Simply by taking hold of the glorious possibilities of the present and bringing them to action.

Idle Thoughts

I've been humbled so many times in the past month. It's such an amazing feeling. To feel small in a world so much outside of ourselves that you can't help but to realize something. I don't even know what that something is (which may possibly make this whole thing pointless, but I'll continue anyways). I'll try my best to stay on topic, thought I've never been to good at following one path.

I'm frightened by how easily I build back up after such humbling experiences. I'm profoundly touched by the efforts people take to step out of seemingly hopeless situations. Inspired by the joy on a child's face when they receive shoes, or water. And yet I walk away only with superfluous thoughts that mirror storybook aspirations. I get so emotionally involved that my investment ends up being counterproductive. I stare idly at a screen of tiny black words, in a big quite house, with no one but myself to hear the nonsense I come up with. But if they heard it would they listen? Would they see that, in all reality, the idea of being humbled, broken down, exposed, loved, is what makes me feel truly alive, and almost powerless, in the most opposite of connotations.

Power is given to the elite. To those deemed capable of more than just story book aspirations. In that sense, who holds power. I hold no power, and that makes me the most powerful. I want power over my life, and that is the easiest power to take hold of, and the easiest power to loose. With this power I dub myself powerful enough to make changes and make something more idle thoughts and idle words. I have no control over what happens today in someone's life, nor would I want that responsibility. In that sense I am powerless. But I choose to empower myself to work against the powers of men to effect the outcome of something more. And in doing so may hope to inspire someone else.

These somethings, and someones, are vague and vast, but they are there, and I intend to find them.

Its like the wind.

"My strength is in direct proportion to the love you have for me."

Be strong. Remember the moments that make you smile, and disregard the rest. Things will never be the same. They will be better then we could have ever expected. Life goes on, as does the love I have for you. Love, like life, is timeless. And time heals all wounds. This too shall pass. And when it does I will still be standing next to you. Hand in hand.

All my Love,
Meghan

Maybe it hurts for a reason.

"Does it hurt?

Yes.

Where does it hurt?

Everywhere.

Maybe it hurts for a reason." 

Another year passing, and another year done. More mistakes mad, and battles won. For the second year in a row I tripped over the end of December and stumbled in pain into the new year. You'd think I would learn. You'd think. And learn I have done much. I've gained knowledge and perspective and the simple joy that is happiness. So what happened? We're all allowed a lapse in judgement every once in a while. Once a year? I filled my quota, but now it haunts me. I keep telling myself I'm only human. Its my greatest flaw and my saving grace. I made a mistake. twice. It was bad one. A big one. But not as big or as bad as others. Thats doesn't validate my mistake, but I thought it would count for something. I don't know what I was thinking, or what I'm thinking now. I know that I have inflicted unnecessary, and only time can heal the wound, but how I wish time would fix things sooner. I understand my wrong, and this pain must be here for a reason, I just can't figure out what it is yet. I put myself in a dangerous situation. I forget how young I am, how fragile, how new to life I am. I still, like most others my age, have the child like naivete that believes we can jump through hoops and 'love surpass all evil mindset. I'm not untouchable. At the same time I shouldn't tempt fate. The time will come for all of that. Until then its better to stay weary.

It still hurts. Perhaps its a lesson I would have learned eventually. Perhaps its a caution. Perhaps I won't find out until I find out. For now it just hurts. I love him. Of that there is no question. But I can't stop thinking about how much this hurt him. He's lost so many people in his life. I won't be one of them. But he feel in love with my family too. They embraced him. Welcomed him in, and now he's banished. There have been more awful people in my life. He is not one of them. Together we are flawed, but much less flawed then we are apart. He will be welcome again some day. But it hurts to think of how long it may take.

Blessed are the Loved.

“Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another.” -George Eliot

Though everyday should be considered a blessing, today above all other days should be cherished as such. Though my life has already been far beyond blessed, today was a blessing in itself. It is the first Christmas is a very long time that all the presents fit under one glowing tree. The thought makes me stomach turn and my heart smile. Turn not because I miss them, but because it saddens me that it has taken us so long to learn the fruitfulness of moderation. To be truthful, we are still far from moderate, but today was a step. My cousins are still young and as it seems my have trouble with the concept, but I trust they will soon face themselves and understand the true grace that can come from no package that is bought from no store. Because I am human, I am still guilty of want, and always will be. So many times today my heart has broken when a gift is open and then gone unacknowledged by the recipient. How glad should we be to be in a warm home, with an abundance or food, love and family. I hope the pill in our home shrinks with time and age and eventually be grown to move into a different household where it will be needed and received gratefully. Our household is complete without a single gift, and yet today I feel as though I have been given the world. Every smile, every laugh, every moment feels better in his arms. And in his arms I hope to stay. He is truly a gift in my life. I don't mean to be cliche or to weigh this love against the love I have for my family. It is simply that the love I share with him reminds me daily that love must not only be cherished, but spread to whom ever will accept it. Never should it be put in a box with a bow on top. One day the holidays will again be about love. About the influence one heart can make on another.