Saturday, September 26, 2009

Naked as We Came

There is so much that I should have said before this, but as always I write in my own time of need and not for that of others. Selfish. Pathetic. Ridiculous. Yea I've been over all that in my head, but it's the only think left to do today. I have forgotten place, but it consumed me today. I sat and cried this morning and then some more this afternoon and I'm almost positive that I'm not done. I have this awful feeling. The one you used to have the first day you walked into high school in a new town. Not knowing anyone and swearing that the entire world is against you. Actually people remind me that I am in the fact the only one that has this continual feeling but I don't see how thats true. At this moment for example, I know I'm wrong but I swear that all the people I live with would rather not have me around. They give me the courtesy of asking if want to join them, but only in extreme reluctance. Not that I could even attempt to today, but it's not the time to ruin the fun for anyone else. I'm the ugly grey cloud at the party. I can't smile and it makes my stomach hurt. I hate this person and in this mood and I know that this is now how I am thought of. The sad girl that sits in her room and cries. The progressively ridiculous side of me even thinks the laughter in the hallway is about me but that would be giving myself all to much credit.

I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I feel lost and abandoned. I'm hardly indestructible today and I can't find the strength to pull myself up. I really need someone to talk to, but saying all this out loud makes it seem even more ridiculous. I have so much but all I want is someone to talk to. I feel like I'm not helping anything right now. Like I'm taking up space in my own room.