Thursday, December 24, 2009

Walk On

They say that you can't be whole until you find your 'other half.' I don't believe them, whoever they are. There is this long journey called life that we embarked on years and years ago and it would be sad to think that we've been missing a part of ourselves. The journey of the individual is not to find what we have never had. It is to discover what we are and always have been. People will always walk in and out of our lives. They will bring things to our journey and decorate the path with smiles and love and passion and tears and they will all teach us something in their own way. Some people will only stay temporarily but they are never lost because they have contributed to who we are to become. The people that no longer walk by us will
leave a hole for a while. We may even stop and stare at their fading footprints. Once the shock wares off we move forward to greater places and heavier things. The road was never meant to be smooth, and we usually don't have a map. The trick is to see the color through the hurt in our hearts and the water in our eyes. To remember we are not solitary creatures. The path we walk, skip, run, jump, and fly on is one we create to feel a connection with ourselves and with others. It is true that we need time to collect ourselves. To breathe, and sometimes we just need to be alone. This will pass - the hurt, the confusion, and everything else that looks like a blur in your mind. There is always much life to live beyond the walls of now. Smile
- Tomorrow has the potential to be a great day.

Friday, December 18, 2009


I haven't been taking care of my heart. It was already broken, but it seems I've been avoiding putting the pieces back together. I don't want it to be real, so I've let the pain linger in hopes that something may happen. I change constantly. One moment I'm ready to leave it all behind, but then I'm terrified. Terrified that when I walk on, I leave hope behind. Maybe thats not such a bad thing. But the 'what ifs' keep running circles in my head. What if he carries hope with him too? What if he's just scared? What if he finds someone else?

I know we're all replaceable, but the thought hurts so bad. I forget to turn it around. I am replaceable, but so is he. (Though it doesn't feel like it yet) Though we are replaceable, we are not replicable. I need to put him back in a box along with all the other memories I have of and with him. This box will be perfect. It will be full of happiness, and love, and pain, and a little bit of hope. The problem is I haven't found the lock to keep it closed. The problem is, I'm not looking. The problem is I know when I walk on, there is no coming back. Because all things are possible, I know there is a chance that it will come around. But the fact is, it isn't probable.

I haven't been taking care of my heart. I need to decide. I need to stop leading myself on. I need to be done with random acts of hopelessness. I need to choose, but I'm not ready yet.

Give me a reason.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Middle Ground

I'm walking a fine line between distance and disaster. It's a dangerous game to play, but for now it feels better than nothing at all. I'm attempting to live moment by moment with my hopeless dreams; knowing, unfortunately, that they are likely to fall apart. This probably isn't good for me. I should probably quite while I'm ahead. Why do we do things we know we might regret? "Jump first, fear later." But that's not even what I'm doing. Thats what the problem is. I'm playing it safe. I'm walking the middle ground and it weaves between high and low. Is it bad that I like it here? None of these paths seem more or less traveled, so maybe I'm doing okay? The high ground and low ground seem so definite and I can't take either with certainty. I'm testing out the waters here. I'm dwelling in doubt to find certainty. I may just be making things up to justify myself, but, for now, let the tight rope continue.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Strength of the Broken

Emmy is my age. He lives in Gulu, Uganda. I have never met him, and I probably never will. I know he has the ability to light up a room with his laughter. I also know he has been through the most challenging experiences life could ever give you. He was orphaned by AIDS five years ago because his family did not have sufficient access to medical care. He walked for 2 days every month to get pills for his mother. To support her as she had supported him. As she had supported her family.

When Emmy's mother Christine passed away Emmy spoke of family. He spoke of loneliness, of fear, of being broken. He had no one left. He had two older brothers, one older sister, and one younger brother, but no mother, or father. He felt as though he had lost his support system and it took a community to build what had been taken for him.

From Emmy I find inspiration. In his story there is strength and hope. More importantly there is gratitude. He reminded me of my family. My family I feel is falling apart. Sometimes I want to walk away to deal with my own problems, but this is my family and they need me, and I need them. This is life.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Love is Present

"With time you'll be a new soul and you'll be able to look back and not get stuck on it. instead you'll realize it was nice while it lasted. You will move on, you will have new memories with someone else. Don't compare memories and you'll be okay."

"Well i bet in your case it was true, but towards the end he just ranaway from it."

"I think love is always present.
People leave,
love doesn't.
Love is always there.
In fact i think you still love him. Jeff says he doesnt love you because he left it, he ran way from it, he stopped believing."

Anne is wise.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Something True

I think you've got me all wrong. But it's not your fault it's mine. I've not been myself lately. This face is my facade. Perhaps I'm only talking to myself. I do tend to think too much, but in case you're listening I thought I'd let you know. It's been a long few weeks, and I've found myself a little lost. I'm not sure what it is, but there is an eerie familiarity around here, and I'm not sure I like it. Here I find my secrets. They used to lay so quietly but now they scream to tell me something true.

They say to find yourself you must first loose yourself completely. That even when we don't know where we are, we are on journey. The thought frightens me, and grounds me. The unexpected will turn out better than I could ever expect. I know that, but I don't feel it. All I feel is my heart pumping in my chest. Sometimes it's so loud it hurts. Sometimes it's so soft I'm scared. I guess thats how you know you're alive. This subtle sadness, constant pain, wild fear, terrible loneliness, they are meant to strengthen us - prepare us even, for what comes next.

I know that, but I can't feel it yet.

It used to be so easy to see the upside. Now it feels like I'm breaking my neck to keep my chin up. I promised myself long ago I would always write with the purpose to inspire and enlighten. To give hope a name, even if it was just for myself. Hope got lost in these letters, and I think that is what I'm trying to find. So if I've been cold, or cruel, or distant, I'm sorry. It's all just in fear. I lied. I'm scared to, but everything else I said was true. As much as I claim to be rebuilding my walls and locking myself in, its just not possible anymore. I've been there before and the static sound of ruthless thoughts does nothing but break you.

So here I am. Raw and exposed, but at least I'm alive. There will be more let downs, more pain, more dishonesty, more truth, more hope, more love, and more experience."There is much life to be lived outside of these walls. Life that is not be be darkened by sad sighs of the past or worried glances of the future. Simply by taking hold of the glorious possibilities of the present and bringing them to action." - Me. I need to start taking my own advice again.

I'm getting back to now. Finding the person I want to become. I've forgotten to look for the colors of possibilities even in this estranged light. It's hard, but its necessary. Its bright and exciting. It's everything you want it to be, if you let it.

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Flawed Logic

You can only let people influence you if you let them in. You can only let them touch your soul if you tear down your wall. My wall is down, but I want to build it taller and thicker than before because it feels like this wall is all I have. If its built strong enough it can protect me and it will never let me down. People, they let you down. They also help you, they also fix you, but they hurt you so bad. I'm scared because I feel like I'm going to miss some major opportunity, but I can't risk being let down again. Everyone has proved me right so far - people, they let you down. Promises - lies. Love - forget it, eventually it ends one way or another. So these are the truths I must now live with, but they are so sad, they make me cry.

So I'm closing myself off, and I'm scared, because I don't like being alone. And it hurts that there is no one to say goodbye to as I walk away. This is flawed logic. I realize this, but I don't know who to depend on. No one but myself. Even I let myself down, but at least I can give myself a reason. At least I fight for me. I am grateful for that, but this battle is so tiring. I'm starting to feel numb again. Looking around to nothing around. I'll keep helping. I'll keep supporting. I will be there for those in need, but I don't trust that anyone will stick around. I know that is flawed logic too, because people don't trust you if you don't trust them back.

Day by day? What's the point? I like the unexpected, but living so uncertain of everything? I guess thats reality?

I'm so lost right now I want to scream. I've been in and out of this place too many times in the past month or two. Tata would enjoy every moment of everyday but its like I don't even remember how because I'm too worried about everything falling apart.

I've been here before, I don't like this place.