Something True

I think you've got me all wrong. But it's not your fault it's mine. I've not been myself lately. This face is my facade. Perhaps I'm only talking to myself. I do tend to think too much, but in case you're listening I thought I'd let you know. It's been a long few weeks, and I've found myself a little lost. I'm not sure what it is, but there is an eerie familiarity around here, and I'm not sure I like it. Here I find my secrets. They used to lay so quietly but now they scream to tell me something true.

They say to find yourself you must first loose yourself completely. That even when we don't know where we are, we are on journey. The thought frightens me, and grounds me. The unexpected will turn out better than I could ever expect. I know that, but I don't feel it. All I feel is my heart pumping in my chest. Sometimes it's so loud it hurts. Sometimes it's so soft I'm scared. I guess thats how you know you're alive. This subtle sadness, constant pain, wild fear, terrible loneliness, they are meant to strengthen us - prepare us even, for what comes next.

I know that, but I can't feel it yet.

It used to be so easy to see the upside. Now it feels like I'm breaking my neck to keep my chin up. I promised myself long ago I would always write with the purpose to inspire and enlighten. To give hope a name, even if it was just for myself. Hope got lost in these letters, and I think that is what I'm trying to find. So if I've been cold, or cruel, or distant, I'm sorry. It's all just in fear. I lied. I'm scared to, but everything else I said was true. As much as I claim to be rebuilding my walls and locking myself in, its just not possible anymore. I've been there before and the static sound of ruthless thoughts does nothing but break you.

So here I am. Raw and exposed, but at least I'm alive. There will be more let downs, more pain, more dishonesty, more truth, more hope, more love, and more experience."There is much life to be lived outside of these walls. Life that is not be be darkened by sad sighs of the past or worried glances of the future. Simply by taking hold of the glorious possibilities of the present and bringing them to action." - Me. I need to start taking my own advice again.

I'm getting back to now. Finding the person I want to become. I've forgotten to look for the colors of possibilities even in this estranged light. It's hard, but its necessary. Its bright and exciting. It's everything you want it to be, if you let it.