Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Closure really hits the spot on an empty stomach.

Everything happens for a reason. Realizing exactly what that reason is, is so liberating, exciting, scary, wonderful. Good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Oh my, to the silly rantings of a broken heart. I'm finally grateful for the experience of falling to pieces because I've slowly rebuilt myself beautiful new perspectives. Fragments of glass, like fragments of a broken hearts, become prisms. Bending light and reflecting the future. Showing beauty in dark places and harmonizing with sorrow. Bringing hope, and it's never the same kind you wanted before. It's real and promising. So as much as I'd like to erase so many of these posts that were once soaked in tears and confusion I won't. Because even though they seem absolutely ridiculous now, I know they didn't feel ridiculous then. More importantly, they brought me to now. "Your eyes must do some raining if they're ever going to grow." I'm not done growing, and I'm sure there will be storms in the future, but I'm keeping this moment. Here's to my freedom and never settling.

Friday, February 26, 2010

wake up.
get up.
you've heard these words before and they usually come from yourself before they come from other people. There are always days like this. Breathe. Days like this that come and pass. Days this that knock the wind out of you and while you're not breathing you loose hope and motivation. Things begin to feel like they're slipping away. You feel too far to catch up. Too behind to be seen. Too small to be heard. You know this place. You've been here before. So stand taller, work harder, speak louder. There will be days like this and they always bring tomorrow. Breathe.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

365 Days


It was just easier to start a new blog for this project. I'm sorry blogger. You will not be forgotten. I promise to write often or at least to copy and past from my newest project. To anyone who may read this, thank you. Even if no one does, it's nice to pretend. Have a beautiful day.


Sunday, January 10, 2010


I'm giving us a chance. I'm walking away. I can't stay here any longer. This place is full of lingering pain, growing doubt, and dwindling hope. The facts are simple and clear. I've just been manipulating them in my head. The fantasy land I've been living in has been nice, but only when I close my eyes. Which I guess makes me blind. The moments in your arms are warm in passing but they leave behind threats of further hurt and regret. I refuse to be the silly pathetic little girl that lets herself settle. I'm better than this. I'm better than "wait" and I'm better than "I don't know." Its not my responsibility to convince you to love me. Its not my position to stay here hoping you won't walk away. I took a chance letting you in. I'm taking an even bigger chance letting you go. I want to get back to us, but that can't happen until you figure out you. You care, but not enough. You're scared and hiding. Part of me still believes you, and I hope we will continue to prove them wrong, but for now its time for me to air out my wounds and test the seas. I'm letting you go. Don't cling to me as a memory from the past, because I want to be a part of your future. One day I will be your friend. I don't know if it will be anything more. Fight for me and we will see. Until then I will miss you, but I hope to miss you less. I hope you don't forget me. I hope you're right. This is a chance I'm willing to take, because no matter what happens next, we have to move forward.

You have so much a head of you. So much to find out about yourself, so much to achieve. I can't and won't let your journey hold me back. I will not cry because it's over. I will smile because it happened. If our paths cross again I will smile and remember all that you taught. How we grew in love and learned in life, about each other and about ourselves. I will never regret the time I had with you and if fate allows one day we may have a second chance. If not know that you held a special place in my heart and I am fortunate to have had you in my life.

With Hope.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Walk On

They say that you can't be whole until you find your 'other half.' I don't believe them, whoever they are. There is this long journey called life that we embarked on years and years ago and it would be sad to think that we've been missing a part of ourselves. The journey of the individual is not to find what we have never had. It is to discover what we are and always have been. People will always walk in and out of our lives. They will bring things to our journey and decorate the path with smiles and love and passion and tears and they will all teach us something in their own way. Some people will only stay temporarily but they are never lost because they have contributed to who we are to become. The people that no longer walk by us will
leave a hole for a while. We may even stop and stare at their fading footprints. Once the shock wares off we move forward to greater places and heavier things. The road was never meant to be smooth, and we usually don't have a map. The trick is to see the color through the hurt in our hearts and the water in our eyes. To remember we are not solitary creatures. The path we walk, skip, run, jump, and fly on is one we create to feel a connection with ourselves and with others. It is true that we need time to collect ourselves. To breathe, and sometimes we just need to be alone. This will pass - the hurt, the confusion, and everything else that looks like a blur in your mind. There is always much life to live beyond the walls of now. Smile
- Tomorrow has the potential to be a great day.

Friday, December 18, 2009


I haven't been taking care of my heart. It was already broken, but it seems I've been avoiding putting the pieces back together. I don't want it to be real, so I've let the pain linger in hopes that something may happen. I change constantly. One moment I'm ready to leave it all behind, but then I'm terrified. Terrified that when I walk on, I leave hope behind. Maybe thats not such a bad thing. But the 'what ifs' keep running circles in my head. What if he carries hope with him too? What if he's just scared? What if he finds someone else?

I know we're all replaceable, but the thought hurts so bad. I forget to turn it around. I am replaceable, but so is he. (Though it doesn't feel like it yet) Though we are replaceable, we are not replicable. I need to put him back in a box along with all the other memories I have of and with him. This box will be perfect. It will be full of happiness, and love, and pain, and a little bit of hope. The problem is I haven't found the lock to keep it closed. The problem is, I'm not looking. The problem is I know when I walk on, there is no coming back. Because all things are possible, I know there is a chance that it will come around. But the fact is, it isn't probable.

I haven't been taking care of my heart. I need to decide. I need to stop leading myself on. I need to be done with random acts of hopelessness. I need to choose, but I'm not ready yet.

Give me a reason.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Middle Ground

I'm walking a fine line between distance and disaster. It's a dangerous game to play, but for now it feels better than nothing at all. I'm attempting to live moment by moment with my hopeless dreams; knowing, unfortunately, that they are likely to fall apart. This probably isn't good for me. I should probably quite while I'm ahead. Why do we do things we know we might regret? "Jump first, fear later." But that's not even what I'm doing. Thats what the problem is. I'm playing it safe. I'm walking the middle ground and it weaves between high and low. Is it bad that I like it here? None of these paths seem more or less traveled, so maybe I'm doing okay? The high ground and low ground seem so definite and I can't take either with certainty. I'm testing out the waters here. I'm dwelling in doubt to find certainty. I may just be making things up to justify myself, but, for now, let the tight rope continue.