Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Idle Thoughts

I've been humbled so many times in the past month. It's such an amazing feeling. To feel small in a world so much outside of ourselves that you can't help but to realize something. I don't even know what that something is (which may possibly make this whole thing pointless, but I'll continue anyways). I'll try my best to stay on topic, thought I've never been to good at following one path.

I'm frightened by how easily I build back up after such humbling experiences. I'm profoundly touched by the efforts people take to step out of seemingly hopeless situations. Inspired by the joy on a child's face when they receive shoes, or water. And yet I walk away only with superfluous thoughts that mirror storybook aspirations. I get so emotionally involved that my investment ends up being counterproductive. I stare idly at a screen of tiny black words, in a big quite house, with no one but myself to hear the nonsense I come up with. But if they heard it would they listen? Would they see that, in all reality, the idea of being humbled, broken down, exposed, loved, is what makes me feel truly alive, and almost powerless, in the most opposite of connotations.

Power is given to the elite. To those deemed capable of more than just story book aspirations. In that sense, who holds power. I hold no power, and that makes me the most powerful. I want power over my life, and that is the easiest power to take hold of, and the easiest power to loose. With this power I dub myself powerful enough to make changes and make something more idle thoughts and idle words. I have no control over what happens today in someone's life, nor would I want that responsibility. In that sense I am powerless. But I choose to empower myself to work against the powers of men to effect the outcome of something more. And in doing so may hope to inspire someone else.

These somethings, and someones, are vague and vast, but they are there, and I intend to find them.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Its like the wind.

"My strength is in direct proportion to the love you have for me."

Be strong. Remember the moments that make you smile, and disregard the rest. Things will never be the same. They will be better then we could have ever expected. Life goes on, as does the love I have for you. Love, like life, is timeless. And time heals all wounds. This too shall pass. And when it does I will still be standing next to you. Hand in hand.

All my Love,

Maybe it hurts for a reason.

"Does it hurt?
Where does it hurt?
Maybe it hurts for a reason." 

Another year passing, and another year done. More mistakes mad, and battles won. For the second year in a row I tripped over the end of December and stumbled in pain into the new year. You'd think I would learn. You'd think. And learn I have done much. I've gained knowledge and perspective and the simple joy that is happiness. So what happened? We're all allowed a lapse in judgement every once in a while. Once a year? I filled my quota, but now it haunts me. I keep telling myself I'm only human. Its my greatest flaw and my saving grace. I made a mistake. twice. It was bad one. A big one. But not as big or as bad as others. Thats doesn't validate my mistake, but I thought it would count for something. I don't know what I was thinking, or what I'm thinking now. I know that I have inflicted unnecessary, and only time can heal the wound, but how I wish time would fix things sooner. I understand my wrong, and this pain must be here for a reason, I just can't figure out what it is yet. I put myself in a dangerous situation. I forget how young I am, how fragile, how new to life I am. I still, like most others my age, have the child like naivete that believes we can jump through hoops and 'love surpass all evil mindset. I'm not untouchable. At the same time I shouldn't tempt fate. The time will come for all of that. Until then its better to stay weary.

It still hurts. Perhaps its a lesson I would have learned eventually. Perhaps its a caution. Perhaps I won't find out until I find out. For now it just hurts. I love him. Of that there is no question. But I can't stop thinking about how much this hurt him. He's lost so many people in his life. I won't be one of them. But he feel in love with my family too. They embraced him. Welcomed him in, and now he's banished. There have been more awful people in my life. He is not one of them. Together we are flawed, but much less flawed then we are apart. He will be welcome again some day. But it hurts to think of how long it may take.