Maybe it hurts for a reason.

"Does it hurt?

Yes.

Where does it hurt?

Everywhere.

Maybe it hurts for a reason." 

Another year passing, and another year done. More mistakes mad, and battles won. For the second year in a row I tripped over the end of December and stumbled in pain into the new year. You'd think I would learn. You'd think. And learn I have done much. I've gained knowledge and perspective and the simple joy that is happiness. So what happened? We're all allowed a lapse in judgement every once in a while. Once a year? I filled my quota, but now it haunts me. I keep telling myself I'm only human. Its my greatest flaw and my saving grace. I made a mistake. twice. It was bad one. A big one. But not as big or as bad as others. Thats doesn't validate my mistake, but I thought it would count for something. I don't know what I was thinking, or what I'm thinking now. I know that I have inflicted unnecessary, and only time can heal the wound, but how I wish time would fix things sooner. I understand my wrong, and this pain must be here for a reason, I just can't figure out what it is yet. I put myself in a dangerous situation. I forget how young I am, how fragile, how new to life I am. I still, like most others my age, have the child like naivete that believes we can jump through hoops and 'love surpass all evil mindset. I'm not untouchable. At the same time I shouldn't tempt fate. The time will come for all of that. Until then its better to stay weary.

It still hurts. Perhaps its a lesson I would have learned eventually. Perhaps its a caution. Perhaps I won't find out until I find out. For now it just hurts. I love him. Of that there is no question. But I can't stop thinking about how much this hurt him. He's lost so many people in his life. I won't be one of them. But he feel in love with my family too. They embraced him. Welcomed him in, and now he's banished. There have been more awful people in my life. He is not one of them. Together we are flawed, but much less flawed then we are apart. He will be welcome again some day. But it hurts to think of how long it may take.