Sony Ericcson

I lost my phone this morning, and I fell into tear. I felt so disconnected and unsure. This chaos of a world is getting to me. The me I no longer remember is showing herself in this madness. The me that couldn't coupe. The stressed, the sad, the weary, the weak. I loath that person. Directionless, and lost. I've been running in circles physically and mentally, trying to remember were I left the three inch piece of plastic that was holding me together- connected to an outside world. It should be humbling to know that the day will continue on without my texts or phone calls, but it's not the world I am at all concerned about. I'm trying to be part of this great thing that is so much bigger than myself. Yet I find myself feeling useless and out of place. A let down if you will. So many eyes waiting for my next move. Asking me 'What can we do?" It's not in me to tell them, "I do not know." That ridiculous invention- the cellular device- was my small life line where I could say "help keep me together." I could say my deepest thoughts so quickly I could discard them in moments. It allowed me seconds to breathe and to smile.

This is not meant to be an ode do my beloved. It is a reflection on myself. What defines me? Through mounting chaos, excitement, and responsibility, I hope it will not be a small screen with buttons and numbers. Something so trivial, and impersonal. There is a world bigger than myself and wider than the connections of phone lines can reach. In that concept I find strength. In my path are disappointed faces, and demanding eyes. I make it a point today to look past that and into myself to find the person I have become.

A glimpse of the person I left behind haunted me today. Telling me I was inadequate. That I was not to make progress, and that I should not try at all. I know better. I may not be superswomen, but I am coming to The Rescue. There is much life to be lived outside of these walls. Life that is not be be darkened by sad sighs of the past or worried glances of the future. Simply by taking hold of the glorious possibilities of the present and bringing them to action.

Idle Thoughts

I've been humbled so many times in the past month. It's such an amazing feeling. To feel small in a world so much outside of ourselves that you can't help but to realize something. I don't even know what that something is (which may possibly make this whole thing pointless, but I'll continue anyways). I'll try my best to stay on topic, thought I've never been to good at following one path.

I'm frightened by how easily I build back up after such humbling experiences. I'm profoundly touched by the efforts people take to step out of seemingly hopeless situations. Inspired by the joy on a child's face when they receive shoes, or water. And yet I walk away only with superfluous thoughts that mirror storybook aspirations. I get so emotionally involved that my investment ends up being counterproductive. I stare idly at a screen of tiny black words, in a big quite house, with no one but myself to hear the nonsense I come up with. But if they heard it would they listen? Would they see that, in all reality, the idea of being humbled, broken down, exposed, loved, is what makes me feel truly alive, and almost powerless, in the most opposite of connotations.

Power is given to the elite. To those deemed capable of more than just story book aspirations. In that sense, who holds power. I hold no power, and that makes me the most powerful. I want power over my life, and that is the easiest power to take hold of, and the easiest power to loose. With this power I dub myself powerful enough to make changes and make something more idle thoughts and idle words. I have no control over what happens today in someone's life, nor would I want that responsibility. In that sense I am powerless. But I choose to empower myself to work against the powers of men to effect the outcome of something more. And in doing so may hope to inspire someone else.

These somethings, and someones, are vague and vast, but they are there, and I intend to find them.

Its like the wind.

"My strength is in direct proportion to the love you have for me."

Be strong. Remember the moments that make you smile, and disregard the rest. Things will never be the same. They will be better then we could have ever expected. Life goes on, as does the love I have for you. Love, like life, is timeless. And time heals all wounds. This too shall pass. And when it does I will still be standing next to you. Hand in hand.

All my Love,
Meghan

Maybe it hurts for a reason.

"Does it hurt?

Yes.

Where does it hurt?

Everywhere.

Maybe it hurts for a reason." 

Another year passing, and another year done. More mistakes mad, and battles won. For the second year in a row I tripped over the end of December and stumbled in pain into the new year. You'd think I would learn. You'd think. And learn I have done much. I've gained knowledge and perspective and the simple joy that is happiness. So what happened? We're all allowed a lapse in judgement every once in a while. Once a year? I filled my quota, but now it haunts me. I keep telling myself I'm only human. Its my greatest flaw and my saving grace. I made a mistake. twice. It was bad one. A big one. But not as big or as bad as others. Thats doesn't validate my mistake, but I thought it would count for something. I don't know what I was thinking, or what I'm thinking now. I know that I have inflicted unnecessary, and only time can heal the wound, but how I wish time would fix things sooner. I understand my wrong, and this pain must be here for a reason, I just can't figure out what it is yet. I put myself in a dangerous situation. I forget how young I am, how fragile, how new to life I am. I still, like most others my age, have the child like naivete that believes we can jump through hoops and 'love surpass all evil mindset. I'm not untouchable. At the same time I shouldn't tempt fate. The time will come for all of that. Until then its better to stay weary.

It still hurts. Perhaps its a lesson I would have learned eventually. Perhaps its a caution. Perhaps I won't find out until I find out. For now it just hurts. I love him. Of that there is no question. But I can't stop thinking about how much this hurt him. He's lost so many people in his life. I won't be one of them. But he feel in love with my family too. They embraced him. Welcomed him in, and now he's banished. There have been more awful people in my life. He is not one of them. Together we are flawed, but much less flawed then we are apart. He will be welcome again some day. But it hurts to think of how long it may take.

Blessed are the Loved.

“Blessed is the influence of one true, loving human soul on another.” -George Eliot

Though everyday should be considered a blessing, today above all other days should be cherished as such. Though my life has already been far beyond blessed, today was a blessing in itself. It is the first Christmas is a very long time that all the presents fit under one glowing tree. The thought makes me stomach turn and my heart smile. Turn not because I miss them, but because it saddens me that it has taken us so long to learn the fruitfulness of moderation. To be truthful, we are still far from moderate, but today was a step. My cousins are still young and as it seems my have trouble with the concept, but I trust they will soon face themselves and understand the true grace that can come from no package that is bought from no store. Because I am human, I am still guilty of want, and always will be. So many times today my heart has broken when a gift is open and then gone unacknowledged by the recipient. How glad should we be to be in a warm home, with an abundance or food, love and family. I hope the pill in our home shrinks with time and age and eventually be grown to move into a different household where it will be needed and received gratefully. Our household is complete without a single gift, and yet today I feel as though I have been given the world. Every smile, every laugh, every moment feels better in his arms. And in his arms I hope to stay. He is truly a gift in my life. I don't mean to be cliche or to weigh this love against the love I have for my family. It is simply that the love I share with him reminds me daily that love must not only be cherished, but spread to whom ever will accept it. Never should it be put in a box with a bow on top. One day the holidays will again be about love. About the influence one heart can make on another.

Jesus Talk

"Christianity neither is, nor ever was a part of the common law." -Jefferson

Would the world be a better place with or without America? It hard to argue that it would be better place without our nation, but that doesn't mean we should praise ourselves for 'our glorious nation.' We've done great things in the past. We have also done awful things. And more recently it can be argued that we've done more harm then good. The reason the world is a better place with the United States is not because we are by default 'Americans,' it is because we as individuals have the will and the opportunity to speak out against what they believe is wrong. I was told it is because the freedom that is granted to us by God is protected by the declaration of independence. I can't understand that version of freedom. Granted by someone or something else? Freedom to me, like so many other things, is a choice. I can choose to to be submissive to another persons will, but instead I choose to be free. The human right that is granted by free will - that freedom is protected by the constitution. (Mind you the declaration of independence holds no weight in our government and is more of a whine list about the king.) Further more our founding fathers were deist so freedom granted by God would be questionable. Jefferson him self said

"Question with boldness even the existence of a god; because if there be one he must approve of the homage of reason more than that of blindfolded fear."

I have no problem with people believing in God, but the blindfolded faith Jefferson speaks of is what keeps individuals complacent. One of the most dangerous states of being. It is this faith that burned innocent men, women, and children at the steak. It is this faith that begins wars 'in the name of Christ' and in the cost of others. It is this faith that condemns those who do not fit the outline of religious perfection (which should be everyone but only seems to be the select few). It is the faith, however, that enslaves entire races, and then frees them.

The power of America is not God given freedom, but the ever lasting opportunity to change. Christianity or all kinds, along with thousands of other religious organizations will never vanish. The hope is that there will also always be those individuals that question the wrong of the world and challenge those who say things can not change.

Words from the Wise

It's okay to feel shottie sometimes. It's kind of this thing called life. So you take a few hits. Things don't turn out. Dumb shit gets in the way of your dream. To damn bad. At least you have dream. Working towards something is already half of the dream. Getting up when you get knocked out is the other half. So GET UP and forget the shit. Its not worth your time or your effort. If your going to feel shottie thats fine. We all do sometimes. As long as its something worth feeling down about and as long as you do something about it. At the end of the day smile because you still have a million things going for you and no matter what happened today, tomorrows a brand new day with a new fight and a new victory and if your really lucky you've got a dream to hold on to and people cheering for you on the other side of the ring. Hell you've even got people that will take a round or two for you. Take life for what its worth, and stop over analyzing shit. Smile through everything, somehow it makes things that much easier and it makes other people smile too. You have more love in your life right now then some people have in a lifetime, and thats more then you could ever ask for. Things work themselves out. They always do. Sometimes its not the way you expect, but thats okay. You've got more then you need going for you and as long as you keep your chin up, keep working hard, and stop over analyzing shit, everything will be fine. You're a wonderwall.

Jeffrey Sapigao
Jay J Jones
Jason Powell
Jessica Lenz
Nella Salazar
Desiree Landry
Coach G

Their advice always makes my day and it always makes tough days bearable. Life is nothing without people to share the ride with. It's the people that can keep you motivated and pick you up when you feel like falling and make you laugh on top if it that you never let go of, that change your life, that you remember forever. I thank you and I love you all for always being here for me and anyone else that needs a reminder to smile or a shoulder to lean on.